Live, Laugh, Love

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written. I always feel like I should give you a reason but I guess the truth is just that I’ve put my writing on the back burner for awhile. I may pull it off the stove soon because it helps so much when I need to talk and right now I have soooo much going on inside. So many changes and adjustments and honestly – I’ve never been good with change. I don’t have the life vests I used to have to hold me up and I suppose that’s a sign that I need to tread some water on my own. That’s how we grow though right? Life and people are in a continual and constant state of flux even though we don’t see it.
I’ve told you before that I deal with depression at times. I really don’t notice it very often. There are times though that I’m not sure whether what I’m feeling is from depression or just part of who I am. Truthfully, it doesn’t really matter because the feelings are the same regardless of the origin. I refer to those feelings as “the sad” because that’s what it can be. An overwhelming sadness that I can’t pinpoint a reason for. Sometimes I try to ignore it because it does go away on its own, but sometimes I try to delve in more to try and find out what’s going on inside. I used to always think I needed to figure out where the sadness was coming from, but sometimes it just is – and the reasons don’t matter.
Tonight is sadness. But it’s ok. Tonight I know where it comes from and I know that it’s a part of letting go. Letting go of things that change and fade.
It’s life and sometimes life hurts. But we can’t be afraid of it. We can grieve the changes – the losses, but we also need to recognize that we will be ok. We’ve been put to the test before and we’re stronger than we think we are. If people could see the incredible journey and everything we’ve been through in life, they’d realize just how exceptionally strong we are…even when they can only see what they perceive to be weakness. We are left with the suit of armor we wore on our journey, but it is betrayed by the tears that come way too soon anymore and last a little longer than they used to. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to ache inside…and it’s ok to feel great sadness. Tomorrow the sun may be bright again and if it isn’t – it will be soon enough.

“The easiest thing in the world is to be what you are, what you feel. The hardest thing to be is what other people want you to be.”
Leo F. Buscaglia

Ciao amici

Time in a Bottle

“If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day
‘Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you”

These lyrics are from the Jim Croce song “Time in a Bottle”. The song’s been playing through my mind tonight. I’m sure other people have this same “phenomenon” happen to them – often a song will start going through my mind that I haven’t heard or listened to in years, and when it gets to my consciousness I realize that the lyrics in the song that my subconscious conjured up, are a direct hit on what I’m feeling on an emotional level. I’d understand if they were current songs I had been listening to recently, but they’re years and sometimes decades old.
I see how this song is speaking to me tonight. I had a wonderful day with good friends and fun, and I’m ok tonight – I really am, but a sadness has crept in. I know it’s momentary. I know that soon it will have passed.
It’s a week of anniversaries. Maddie’s birth and death earlier this week and my Dad’s death today.
I’m not bothered by the sadness tonight though. I think it’s a bit of a gift. It makes me pause and spend time with my thoughts and feelings. I couldn’t have expressed any better than this song does, what I’m feeling tonight. Thoughts of Maddie, or Mom and Dad’s deaths aren’t making me sad today I don’t think. What these anniversaries ARE doing though is making me realize how much I love the people in my life and don’t want to lose them. That’s where tonight’s sadness is coming from. Because I’ve been through it so many times, I know there’s no guarantees in life. The old die and the young die. I wish I could stop time and I wish I could find a way to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me before I can’t anymore, but that’s not how things work. Each loss that’s mourned can serve to remind me of the good in my life. That’s how I’m choosing today. If only I really could save time in a bottle.

Ciao amici ❤️