Across time


In secret whispers I hear you,
from a time and place that we
cannot return to.
Your life unsung – yet so full
of strength and courage
that most will never see.
A season of learning
what love truly means.
A short time of joy
wrapped in the unknown,
filled with a naive hope
that betrayed the truth.
Questions with no answers.
Fear with no calm.
Motions with no movement.
Pain with no salve, yet numbed.
You breathe across time and I feel you.

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Uncertainty


Today I have the “feels”.  Very sad and lonely. I know that it’s not anything to be worried about.  It just is what it is. We all have those ups and downs and there’s not really much to be done about them except ride them out.  I realized earlier today that it’s been a long time since I’ve had a good cry and maybe that’s part of what I need.  A release to the emotions that are building inside.  It’s hard for me to have a place to do that right now.  There have been changes in my home life and  I haven’t had the privacy very often these last few months to be able to just cry when I need to.  I’m the type of person that needs solitude quite often in order to rejuvenate myself and feed myself spiritually and emotionally.  That’s been lacking for quite awhile.  A part of me resents this as I had gotten used to having it when I needed.

I’m in a place of wonder…but not the “awe” type.  More like wondering what I’m doing in my life and where is life leading me. I’ve been making changes for myself and I don’t know if they’re the right ones. I stress easily and that plays into my concerns.  I feel like I’m very alone anymore but not in the spiritual solitude way that I need.  I’m just alone. I have friends – good friends – who I know are here for me but even those relationships are changing.  I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like there isn’t anyone who understand what’s inside of me, and I feel like I’m not sure how to be happy.  I just know that when I feel like this it helps for me to write it out.  Maybe it’s time for more poetry again. It seems to come easier when I am in this place.

I know my Mom’s birthday is coming up on May 8th, and Mother’s Day is in a couple of weeks.  I suppose those things might be brewing inside of me too.  The anniversary of Maddie’s birth and death are right around the corner too. I’ve thought about seeing a grief counselor again for a “tune-up”.  I think a little tweaking here and there is always a good decision.   One thing I’ve always told people is that four years….five years…it’s not very long after a loss and it’s okay to still hurt.  I have to remind myself of that.  It’s only been four years since Mom and Maddie’s deaths, and a year later my mother–in-law died and my father-in-law passed just six months ago.  So I guess it’s ok that life is still reeling a bit.  I try to pretend I’m ok…and I am actually…I’m just normal.  Today normal equates to sad and lonely. It’s ok.

 

Ciao amici

Desperado


So…what do you do at midnight when you’re having your first melt-down in months and nobody is awake to talk through it with you? Well…after trying to wake all of your friends up to no avail (because they are normal people with normal sleep habits – or else ducked when they saw you coming…😉) you have a huge cry which you haven’t done in months either and then you realize your only option is to write it out … which again…you haven’t done in months. So you go to your blog and dust it off, realizing full well that you haven’t had any “visitors” to it since you haven’t posted regularly in probably over a year, and that you’re basically going to be talking to yourself. But hey…you do what you have to do.

Then something happens.

You see that you did indeed have a visitor to your blog recently. March 12th. A wonderful soul in China read a post at some point that day…and you realize you’re not really alone after all. God’s world is not so big that He can’t find someone for everyone when they are really in need. So beautiful person in China…you are my friend tonight and maybe – just maybe, you’re reading tonight and if you are…I thank you for being here. ❤️ You’re thousands of miles away yet you’ve made me feel less alone.

It’s hard to be brutally honest in this blog because what’s in the moment isn’t necessarily going to exist tomorrow and the last thing I want is sympathy or anyone to worry about me. What I write about is simply the human condition. You know, after we lose someone we love we don’t have a choice in life but to move forward. Backward isn’t an option. We still stumble and fall backward at times though. Tonight is my stumble. Actually the last several weeks have been gearing in that direction. I’m lonely. Terribly terribly lonely. It’s not a lonely that anyone can make better or fix. It’s something that I have to live with until it passes again. And it will. It has before. It’s all part of recovering from loss. It’s the lonely that comes from the giant hole you still have in your heart. Yes, the scar tissue has been slowly growing around the hole over the last four years and so the edges aren’t as tender anymore, but the hole is still a hole. It can’t be anything but a hole. It’s this big void in a place on my heart that use to be occupied by someone I love. In this case my mom. Even though after four years the pain itself is usually not present very often, I feel like I miss her more now than ever. I don’t know why. I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer. I just know that I do and tonight it really hurts and tonight I’m really alone. I came home and played the piano for quite awhile and it helped release some of those emotions. Afterward came the meltdown. It’s ok though to cry and let the feelings out…let them go.

I was angry at God before I started writing. So very angry because I feel sometimes like He has forgotten about me and that hurts, but then I remembered that Jesus felt that way once too. “Eli! Eli! lama sabachthani?” “My God! My God! Why have You forsaken Me?” But God hadn’t forgotten about Jesus…I have to believe that somewhere in that huge heaven He hasn’t forgotten about me either. ❤️

Ciao amici