Paths


As time is passing since Mom’s death I’m realizing that when you lose your mom you lose a large center of stability.  A great wisdom is garnered by a woman that has raised a family and, although I didn’t always agree with Mom on everything, she was a soft place to land when the world seemed too big and daunting. I could usually take comfort in her just being here. There was an amazing acceptance in her.  She loved her family, from her children down to her great-grandchildren, entirely unconditionally – which is something I’m only in hindsight realizing. Maybe that was part of the great wisdom she reaped from raising eleven children. 

Mom was widowed at 48 years old. She still had young children at home. I never really gave her credit for being such a strong woman. The years following my Dad’s death were such very hard years on all of us.  We floundered with each other and we floundered within ourselves. There were so many dark and grief-filled days, but somehow Mom pulled through and brought all of us through with her. 

This past Monday would have been her birthday.  She’s been gone a little over three years but there are still days I miss her so much I can’t breathe. There are days that precede a special event like her birthday or this upcoming weekend with Mother’s Day, in which my emotions explode and magnify and I don’t know why until something reminds me that these “marker” days are coming up. 

Then it all makes sense. My center of stability is gone and I’m in the process of redefining that center. It’s hard. It’s a journey of two steps forward and one step back. It’s a winding path of indecision that on the outside appears to consist of choices that are clear and defined. It’s a process nobody else will understand until they are faced with their own similar process…and that – that is where Mom’s great wisdom came from…the many paths upon which she had to traverse. 

We love you and miss you Mom. Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day.  Thank you ❤️

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What’s up my sleeve?


I’ve been quiet on here the last few months but I have still been busy processing a lot of things in my life. I feel like my life is starting to become mine now if that makes any sense. I have to say – life opens up when you finally start dealing with the parts that aren’t working. It’s so hard to do but if you give yourself credit and realize you have the strength and courage to face the crap – then eventually you get to the other side and see just how amazing life can be for you. If you don’t deal with what’s broken you can’t fix it; and then all you are doing is running in circles chasing after things that don’t belong where you’re trying to put them – and believe me – you’ll never ever make them fit.  EVER.  It’s an impossibility.  
I have been in a constant state of “work” these last three years but I see it starting to pay off. Has it been easy? Oh my gosh no!! I still have more to do too of course. Always. But so many parts of my life are rewarding. Friends and family – most definitely!  They are my life blood. ❤️
In working through my inner struggles the healing that has started to take place is nothing short of amazing. It’s mostly under the surface yet where people don’t see it but I see it and I feel it.  I didn’t think this much brokenness could heal. (God is amazing!)  The empty places are starting to fill little by little.  It’s strange how you can go through life and not really be aware of how empty you are until God starts filling you up. A couple of really cool things are starting to happen in my life now but I’m not ready to tell anyone yet. They’re putting a smile on my face as I think about them.  Hmmmmm….what could they be? 😉

Ciao amici!!!

Home


Floating through my mind
is a place,
a special time
where at once I knew
I was safe –
I’d found home.

Not a home made of bricks
or with walls and floors,
but of love and acceptance.
A home that continues
to make me grow –
to make me a better person.

Better at living
and better at loving,
at acceptance and
understanding.
A home that makes me reach
for the best of myself.

Home truly is
where the heart is.
The heart that feels
both the good and the sad
has a place to rest.
A home.