Home


Floating through my mind
is a place,
a special time
where at once I knew
I was safe –
I’d found home.

Not a home made of bricks
or with walls and floors,
but of love and acceptance.
A home that continues
to make me grow –
to make me a better person.

Better at living
and better at loving,
at acceptance and
understanding.
A home that makes me reach
for the best of myself.

Home truly is
where the heart is.
The heart that feels
both the good and the sad
has a place to rest.
A home.

Ever on…


Self-doubt – “lack of confidence in oneself and one’s abilities”

Oh, to not be plagued by this critter… I know this isn’t totally uncommon but it sure is a pain in the arse to live with. Self-doubt is insidious. It creeps up on you a little at a time until it’s taken over who you were meant to be. We don’t start out life having this issue, but it sure as hell finds its way into our being and then sets up shop like an unwanted termite, slowly eating away at our foundation. I’m trying to figure out how to live with this animal. I realize that at this point in my life it will always be a part of who I am. I can look back over a lifetime and understand why it’s such a big part of me now, but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. The only thing I can do is refuse to let it devour me whole. I tell myself that I can’t let it dictate what I do and how I live my life – that I have to keep reaching and stretching in order to achieve goals that I think will make me happy and also improve my self-perception. But I think sometimes I try to stretch myself too much, and then when I fail I feel those termites shaking away at a foundation I’ve been trying to build back up and the self-doubt makes an overwhelmingly grand appearance again.
What’s the answer? I don’t know. There’s a famous quote from the Clint Eastwood movie “Magnum Force” that is going through my mind right now – “A man’s got to know his limitations”. Maybe that’s part of the key. You don’t set yourself up for failing situations to begin with. You realize what you are and are not capable of. You get your head out of your “arse” and quit living in a dream world where anything is possible if you set your sights on it. Because that’s not real life. Whether they are self-imposed as a result of life experiences or whether they exist because of outside influences, we all have our limitations. The key is realizing what they are. Plain and simple. Life’s a journey. We just do our best.

Ciao amici

Hello


So hello…it’s been quite awhile. I really feel the need to write tonight although I don’t know that I have much to say. I really want to tell you all that I’m still here. I used to update regularly but I’ve been so busy that I’ve let this go by the wayside. I almost feel like I have to reacquaint myself with you, but I know the updates will suffice.
We are coming up on Mom’s birthday in a few days. May 8th actually. It just this very moment occurred to me that this will be the fourth birthday without her. That doesn’t seem possible to me. Where am I with all of that? Well, she has been gone three years and four months and I miss her terribly still. Sometimes I stop and I just imagine her presence for a moment and the loneliness hits me like a huge wave, and then usually the intensity passes just as quickly as it came. I always think that’s the psyche’s way of protecting itself from the pain. I don’t think we were meant to feel too much at a time. Mostly I miss her very much still. As time’s moved forward I find I miss her differently than I did a year ago. The sadness is different too. It’s not insurmountable like it used to feel, but it’s deeper in many ways and I think that’s because as more time goes by, the more realization of the permanency of the loss exists. We all miss her…all ten of my siblings and their families and my family, but we are all somehow surviving and intact.
I still have trouble sitting in one place for very long at a time unless I’m sitting at the piano. It’s just been very therapeutic for me. If I’m not tired I can easily sit and play four hours straight in the evening…but I still struggle with my focus. So while I may play for awhile it’s not necessarily on projects that I’m trying to learn. I’ve read one book…maybe two since she died. I find my mind still wanders easily when I’m trying to read and then I start getting pretty antsy and have to stop. I just can’t concentrate well yet. For someone who used to be an avid reader it’s very frustrating. But all in all I am doing so very much better. I just wanted to say hello…

Ciao amici…