What’s up my sleeve?

I’ve been quiet on here the last few months but I have still been busy processing a lot of things in my life. I feel like my life is starting to become mine now if that makes any sense. I have to say – life opens up when you finally start dealing with the parts that aren’t working. It’s so hard to do but if you give yourself credit and realize you have the strength and courage to face the crap – then eventually you get to the other side and see just how amazing life can be for you. If you don’t deal with what’s broken you can’t fix it; and then all you are doing is running in circles chasing after things that don’t belong where you’re trying to put them – and believe me – you’ll never ever make them fit.  EVER.  It’s an impossibility.  
I have been in a constant state of “work” these last three years but I see it starting to pay off. Has it been easy? Oh my gosh no!! I still have more to do too of course. Always. But so many parts of my life are rewarding. Friends and family – most definitely!  They are my life blood. ❤️
In working through my inner struggles the healing that has started to take place is nothing short of amazing. It’s mostly under the surface yet where people don’t see it but I see it and I feel it.  I didn’t think this much brokenness could heal. (God is amazing!)  The empty places are starting to fill little by little.  It’s strange how you can go through life and not really be aware of how empty you are until God starts filling you up. A couple of really cool things are starting to happen in my life now but I’m not ready to tell anyone yet. They’re putting a smile on my face as I think about them.  Hmmmmm….what could they be? 😉

Ciao amici!!!



Floating through my mind
is a place,
a special time
where at once I knew
I was safe –
I’d found home.

Not a home made of bricks
or with walls and floors,
but of love and acceptance.
A home that continues
to make me grow –
to make me a better person.

Better at living
and better at loving,
at acceptance and
A home that makes me reach
for the best of myself.

Home truly is
where the heart is.
The heart that feels
both the good and the sad
has a place to rest.
A home.

Ever on…

Self-doubt – “lack of confidence in oneself and one’s abilities”

Oh, to not be plagued by this critter… I know this isn’t totally uncommon but it sure is a pain in the arse to live with. Self-doubt is insidious. It creeps up on you a little at a time until it’s taken over who you were meant to be. We don’t start out life having this issue, but it sure as hell finds its way into our being and then sets up shop like an unwanted termite, slowly eating away at our foundation. I’m trying to figure out how to live with this animal. I realize that at this point in my life it will always be a part of who I am. I can look back over a lifetime and understand why it’s such a big part of me now, but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. The only thing I can do is refuse to let it devour me whole. I tell myself that I can’t let it dictate what I do and how I live my life – that I have to keep reaching and stretching in order to achieve goals that I think will make me happy and also improve my self-perception. But I think sometimes I try to stretch myself too much, and then when I fail I feel those termites shaking away at a foundation I’ve been trying to build back up and the self-doubt makes an overwhelmingly grand appearance again.
What’s the answer? I don’t know. There’s a famous quote from the Clint Eastwood movie “Magnum Force” that is going through my mind right now – “A man’s got to know his limitations”. Maybe that’s part of the key. You don’t set yourself up for failing situations to begin with. You realize what you are and are not capable of. You get your head out of your “arse” and quit living in a dream world where anything is possible if you set your sights on it. Because that’s not real life. Whether they are self-imposed as a result of life experiences or whether they exist because of outside influences, we all have our limitations. The key is realizing what they are. Plain and simple. Life’s a journey. We just do our best.

Ciao amici