I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written. I always feel like I should give you a reason but I guess the truth is just that I’ve put my writing on the back burner for awhile. I may pull it off the stove soon because it helps so much when I need to talk and right now I have soooo much going on inside. So many changes and adjustments and honestly – I’ve never been good with change. I don’t have the life vests I used to have to hold me up and I suppose that’s a sign that I need to tread some water on my own. That’s how we grow though right? Life and people are in a continual and constant state of flux even though we don’t see it.
I’ve told you before that I deal with depression at times. I really don’t notice it very often. There are times though that I’m not sure whether what I’m feeling is from depression or just part of who I am. Truthfully, it doesn’t really matter because the feelings are the same regardless of the origin. I refer to those feelings as “the sad” because that’s what it can be. An overwhelming sadness that I can’t pinpoint a reason for. Sometimes I try to ignore it because it does go away on its own, but sometimes I try to delve in more to try and find out what’s going on inside. I used to always think I needed to figure out where the sadness was coming from, but sometimes it just is – and the reasons don’t matter.
Tonight is sadness. But it’s ok. Tonight I know where it comes from and I know that it’s a part of letting go. Letting go of things that change and fade.
It’s life and sometimes life hurts. But we can’t be afraid of it. We can grieve the changes – the losses, but we also need to recognize that we will be ok. We’ve been put to the test before and we’re stronger than we think we are. If people could see the incredible journey and everything we’ve been through in life, they’d realize just how exceptionally strong we are…even when they can only see what they perceive to be weakness. We are left with the suit of armor we wore on our journey, but it is betrayed by the tears that come way too soon anymore and last a little longer than they used to. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to ache inside…and it’s ok to feel great sadness. Tomorrow the sun may be bright again and if it isn’t – it will be soon enough.
“The easiest thing in the world is to be what you are, what you feel. The hardest thing to be is what other people want you to be.”
Leo F. Buscaglia