Today I have the “feels”. Very sad and lonely. I know that it’s not anything to be worried about. It just is what it is. We all have those ups and downs and there’s not really much to be done about them except ride them out. I realized earlier today that it’s been a long time since I’ve had a good cry and maybe that’s part of what I need. A release to the emotions that are building inside. It’s hard for me to have a place to do that right now. There have been changes in my home life and I haven’t had the privacy very often these last few months to be able to just cry when I need to. I’m the type of person that needs solitude quite often in order to rejuvenate myself and feed myself spiritually and emotionally. That’s been lacking for quite awhile. A part of me resents this as I had gotten used to having it when I needed.
I’m in a place of wonder…but not the “awe” type. More like wondering what I’m doing in my life and where is life leading me. I’ve been making changes for myself and I don’t know if they’re the right ones. I stress easily and that plays into my concerns. I feel like I’m very alone anymore but not in the spiritual solitude way that I need. I’m just alone. I have friends – good friends – who I know are here for me but even those relationships are changing. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like there isn’t anyone who understand what’s inside of me, and I feel like I’m not sure how to be happy. I just know that when I feel like this it helps for me to write it out. Maybe it’s time for more poetry again. It seems to come easier when I am in this place.
I know my Mom’s birthday is coming up on May 8th, and Mother’s Day is in a couple of weeks. I suppose those things might be brewing inside of me too. The anniversary of Maddie’s birth and death are right around the corner too. I’ve thought about seeing a grief counselor again for a “tune-up”. I think a little tweaking here and there is always a good decision. One thing I’ve always told people is that four years….five years…it’s not very long after a loss and it’s okay to still hurt. I have to remind myself of that. It’s only been four years since Mom and Maddie’s deaths, and a year later my mother–in-law died and my father-in-law passed just six months ago. So I guess it’s ok that life is still reeling a bit. I try to pretend I’m ok…and I am actually…I’m just normal. Today normal equates to sad and lonely. It’s ok.