So…what do you do at midnight when you’re having your first melt-down in months and nobody is awake to talk through it with you? Well…after trying to wake all of your friends up to no avail (because they are normal people with normal sleep habits – or else ducked when they saw you coming…😉) you have a huge cry which you haven’t done in months either and then you realize your only option is to write it out … which again…you haven’t done in months. So you go to your blog and dust it off, realizing full well that you haven’t had any “visitors” to it since you haven’t posted regularly in probably over a year, and that you’re basically going to be talking to yourself. But hey…you do what you have to do.
Then something happens.
You see that you did indeed have a visitor to your blog recently. March 12th. A wonderful soul in China read a post at some point that day…and you realize you’re not really alone after all. God’s world is not so big that He can’t find someone for everyone when they are really in need. So beautiful person in China…you are my friend tonight and maybe – just maybe, you’re reading tonight and if you are…I thank you for being here. ❤️ You’re thousands of miles away yet you’ve made me feel less alone.
It’s hard to be brutally honest in this blog because what’s in the moment isn’t necessarily going to exist tomorrow and the last thing I want is sympathy or anyone to worry about me. What I write about is simply the human condition. You know, after we lose someone we love we don’t have a choice in life but to move forward. Backward isn’t an option. We still stumble and fall backward at times though. Tonight is my stumble. Actually the last several weeks have been gearing in that direction. I’m lonely. Terribly terribly lonely. It’s not a lonely that anyone can make better or fix. It’s something that I have to live with until it passes again. And it will. It has before. It’s all part of recovering from loss. It’s the lonely that comes from the giant hole you still have in your heart. Yes, the scar tissue has been slowly growing around the hole over the last four years and so the edges aren’t as tender anymore, but the hole is still a hole. It can’t be anything but a hole. It’s this big void in a place on my heart that use to be occupied by someone I love. In this case my mom. Even though after four years the pain itself is usually not present very often, I feel like I miss her more now than ever. I don’t know why. I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer. I just know that I do and tonight it really hurts and tonight I’m really alone. I came home and played the piano for quite awhile and it helped release some of those emotions. Afterward came the meltdown. It’s ok though to cry and let the feelings out…let them go.
I was angry at God before I started writing. So very angry because I feel sometimes like He has forgotten about me and that hurts, but then I remembered that Jesus felt that way once too. “Eli! Eli! lama sabachthani?” “My God! My God! Why have You forsaken Me?” But God hadn’t forgotten about Jesus…I have to believe that somewhere in that huge heaven He hasn’t forgotten about me either. ❤️