So hello…it’s been quite awhile. I really feel the need to write tonight although I don’t know that I have much to say. I really want to tell you all that I’m still here. I used to update regularly but I’ve been so busy that I’ve let this go by the wayside. I almost feel like I have to reacquaint myself with you, but I know the updates will suffice.
We are coming up on Mom’s birthday in a few days. May 8th actually. It just this very moment occurred to me that this will be the fourth birthday without her. That doesn’t seem possible to me. Where am I with all of that? Well, she has been gone three years and four months and I miss her terribly still. Sometimes I stop and I just imagine her presence for a moment and the loneliness hits me like a huge wave, and then usually the intensity passes just as quickly as it came. I always think that’s the psyche’s way of protecting itself from the pain. I don’t think we were meant to feel too much at a time. Mostly I miss her very much still. As time’s moved forward I find I miss her differently than I did a year ago. The sadness is different too. It’s not insurmountable like it used to feel, but it’s deeper in many ways and I think that’s because as more time goes by, the more realization of the permanency of the loss exists. We all miss her…all ten of my siblings and their families and my family, but we are all somehow surviving and intact.
I still have trouble sitting in one place for very long at a time unless I’m sitting at the piano. It’s just been very therapeutic for me. If I’m not tired I can easily sit and play four hours straight in the evening…but I still struggle with my focus. So while I may play for awhile it’s not necessarily on projects that I’m trying to learn. I’ve read one book…maybe two since she died. I find my mind still wanders easily when I’m trying to read and then I start getting pretty antsy and have to stop. I just can’t concentrate well yet. For someone who used to be an avid reader it’s very frustrating. But all in all I am doing so very much better. I just wanted to say hello…

Ciao amici…

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