I’ve been on vacation from work this week and I’ve had a lot of time to sit with my thoughts and pay attention to my feelings. The last few months have been so busy in a lot of ways and I’ve managed to not pay a lot of attention to what’s going on inside of me. But with this extra quiet time I’m starting to open my eyes wider for a change. I think it’s kind of long overdue.
In a lot of ways I don’t think I’ve taken care of myself on an emotional level. I think sometimes it’s easy to get caught up and tell yourself things aren’t what they really are -if that makes any sense. Life changes. People change. Friends change. I change.
I’m starting to see a lot of things that I tried not to see before and I’ve also been trying to fit the damn round peg in square holes for quite some time. I’ve discovered I’m the round peg. Sometimes I feel like there aren’t any round holes with my name on it. I’ve spent the last two and a half years since Mom and Maddie died trying to find ways to cope with the losses. Thinking I’ve found “me” in the process but I’m starting to think I’ve just been shoving myself into square holes that I’ll never fit into. So the trick now is to find the round ones I will.
It’s so sad how when you’re going through rough times you see things through an abnormal pair of glasses. Lines are blurred, perspective is out of focus. As time goes on you see things more realistically. You see how easy it is to fool yourself simply because you hurt so badly that you want to believe things are different. You want to believe you’re as important to others as they are to you. You want to believe that relationships aren’t as easily discarded as they turn out to be, but apparently life isn’t made that way.
I don’t know where I’ll end up on the other side of the grieving. I’ve wondered for a long time. I used to ask myself what if I don’t like who I am when I get through this? I still don’t know. I used to share my thoughts and feelings more than I do but again, life changes. I feel alone. I feel awful inside actually. But I’m not giving up. I refuse to let that dictate me. I am just going to go forward with my eyes open wide for a change.