Oh my God! It just hit me…just now. I’ve been rather emotional and irrational this week and I’ve been racking my brain here trying to figure out why…and it just came to me – three years ago this coming Monday Mom was diagnosed with Wegener’s Disease. October 10, 2013. A terminal diagnosis for her. She died December 19th. A lot just made sense to me…
In June 2014 I started blogging as a means to deal with the overwhelming grief I was working through after losing my mom and then my baby granddaughter five and a half months later.
So the blog – it worked for me. It helped a great deal. I also ended up with 7,000 views from about 75 countries…albeit many just one or two apiece – but Brazil was over 500. (Someone there likes me .) In the big scheme of the cyberworld it’s not much but it leads me to think and hope – that spilling my guts, rather sloppily at times…helped a couple other people too.
But now I’m here. I haven’t blogged much in awhile. I’ve continued with the poetry but not too much writing of feelings and thoughts. I was trying to figure out why that was, and I realized – I’ve put a timer on my feelings. The very thing I’ve said shouldn’t be done – I did. I subconsciously started keeping my feelings buttoned up for the most part because on some level I decided I was supposed to be “ok” now.
Granted, I am not where I was then. Emotions aren’t raw and depression isn’t my day to day. But do I miss them? Terribly. I’m thinking I always will. I really don’t see an end to that. But the pain is gone more than not. What I do experience is the sad popping up unexpectedly to remind me. And it’s usually around the anniversary of something. Just like this week. I’ve cried, I’ve been sad, I’ve been pissed off, I’ve cried some more, I’ve been childish, I’ve been unfair, and I’ve loved, and I’ve cried some more. We run the whole gamut of emotions when we miss someone so close.
With Mom – I miss her excitement this time of year. Sitting and talking about how much snow we might get in the coming winter, the colors on the leaves, upcoming holidays – what she will be making for the grandchildren’s Christmas presents…what she has stored up to winter over…she loved that and I inherited that from her. Tonight I thought about her a lot while I was playing the piano. I miss her. I miss her terribly. So I closed my eyes and envisioned her in the room with me laying in her bed with her face really close and comforting…and then I played this song for her:
“Let all your memories
Hold you close
No matter where you are
You’re not alone
Because the ones you love
Are never far…”
I love you Mom