In a little less than two weeks we would have been celebrating Maddie’s second birthday. It’s so hard to believe it’s been two years already. When I look back at these past two years…two and a half if I include my Mom…it’s been the strangest type of “ride”. I can’t speak to what my daughter and son-in-law have gone through and I wouldn’t even if I could as that is their private world. I’m sure there are no words.
Since October of 2013 when we discovered my Mom was ill, well…literally my whole life has changed. My job, my day to day co-workers, my friends, my relationships, my home life, my perspectives…and now – most of those have changed again. I feel like I’m trying to come out of a cocoon. There are things that I know still need to change, but the struggle to get there isn’t always easy – but it’s getting closer.
A year ago I would be writing very differently than I am today. I was overwhelmed with grief yet. Today as I’m writing I feel strong. There’s been so much personal growth hidden behind the struggles and there are things going on inside of me still that I haven’t spoken to literally anyone about. My perspectives are changing again. What is right for me and what isn’t. Where my comfort level is with people and what my realities are with them. Because all of these things affect my journey and my choices of where I’m going. The interesting thing with relationships is that you usually think you know where you stand in them and what your value is, but sometimes things happen that make you see a very different picture. It’s all good…it’s a lesson sometimes that needs to be learned and no true lesson comes easily.
I fell apart these last two years. But I’m being put back together. Mahatma Gandhi has a wonderful quote which reads: “Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” I may struggle but I will not be content to “just be”. I’m getting stronger and I’m making choices that are right for me. Nobody has seen the will inside of me because they can’t see the obstacles that I’ve had to overcome just as I can’t see theirs. People sometimes think they know but they don’t. It’s true that I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s true that I get hurt very easily but I swear to you – the will inside of me – it’s stronger than you’ll ever know. My journey – it’s only just beginning.