Life is so much more full of questions than answers. Then, when we do find the answers – we sometimes wish we hadn’t. They’re not always the ones we’d hoped for.
I’m ready to make more changes in my life. It’s time. I’m at a point where I realize I don’t need to allow life to just happen. Weeding through the healthy and the unhealthy…it’s something we all should do from time to time and I guess it’s my time now.
I opened up my blog tonight and was amazed at how little I’ve used it in the last few months. It was my life line after Mom and Maddie died. There was so much inside of me. I looked at it tonight and thought how good it was that I didn’t need it like I did. But then I realized I’ve just been keeping a lot of things more bottled up again. Things that don’t necessarily pertain to grief, but should still be processed and worked through and writing is that outlet for me. It’s healthy. It’s on my “keep” list.
When I have things to work through that are more private it comes out in the form of poetry. Poetry can say everything you need it to without others necessarily knowing what you’ve said. They can make it an expression of what they are feeling or need it to say for themselves. It’s like song lyrics. Do any of us really know what a lyricist wants to say? Sometimes it’s obvious but a lot of times it just isn’t and we form our own opinions and ideas. No right – no wrong. The same goes for poetry. I could write something very abstract and poetry scholars could study it at length and not know for sure what story I’m telling or what I’m saying. It’s art. It’s like a painting. A lot of interpretation goes on. Poetry to me is like my heart being splashed on a piece of paper, and sometimes I want others to be able to see every detail of what’s making it beat and other times I need them not to. But always…it is an expression of what I work through in my soul. I’ve looked back on my poetry…some is darker and others not so much. But I can remember what I was feeling and some of those emotions no longer exist and that’s a good thing. It means the intense pain has lifted. Pain will always come and go, but the hardest is behind me now.
It’s very late and I know my thoughts probably appear scattered tonight, and I have to wake up in three and a half hours…but I wanted to get this out. The idea of listening to myself. I really believe deep down we know what we need. Our souls know. We just aren’t always ready to listen. I’m finally in listening mode. Therefore the changes…the healthy and the unhealthy. The “keep” list and the “discard” list. My own personal housecleaning.