I’m laying in bed listening to the wind blowing. It’s after midnight but I’m still awake as always. My sister gave me a set of beautiful wind chimes after Maddie died and I can hear them really loudly in the trees. They’re beautiful and I love the sound. It’s pretty windy out tonight and I love that. I love the wind. It’s calming to me. Sometimes I wish you could just throw your cares outside into the wind and it would blow them all away for you. Carry them off and empty them out into a lake or river.
Irrational fears. Those are the ones that tonight I’m trying to throw into the wind. Life continues to evolve. We don’t stay the same. Life doesn’t stay the same. I want so much sometimes to be able to put the brakes on life for awhile. I don’t know where it’s going. Looking for answers behind me is not a possibility and the unsettled of today tells me that the present isn’t waiting for me to catch up. It’s time to leave the station and I don’t know where the train is heading and I’m scared. It’s like standing on the ground and feeling the rumbling deep in the earth while it’s moving and shaking and you don’t know when it will stop or what the face of your once familiar landscape will look like when it’s finished. And I’m scared. And I suppose the fears are a byproduct of too much loss in too short of time but the fears are real. And the winds are blowing harder but they refuse to take my fears with them tonight.