Some days I think I must have one of the brightest rainbows there are. Tonight is no exception. I’m having a rough night tonight. I’m not sure why.
Trying to figure it out and I’m hoping the writing helps. There’s a huge void in me. Do you ever feel like you don’t belong anymore? Like nothing fits right. Does that make sense? I guess it’s just me. There’s always so much that goes on inside of me that it gets in the way. I’m trying so hard to find where I fit in life. I know people have much bigger problems to deal with than I do. I’m not oblivious to that. I’m just trying to find where I belong. Maybe things are still evolving in my life. So much new the last couple of years but it feels fresh a lot of the time. I think what it is…is that I miss the old. It’s a life I can never get back. I can never ask my parents questions or see my aunts and uncles that died. It’s your foundation and it’s no longer there so you have to create a new one and that takes a long time it seems.
I have so many good days. In fact overall I feel better than I have in forever. I’m just struggling with the loneliness is what I think it boils down to. But it’s a loneliness nobody else can fill. Just time. Time will fill it and time will teach me where I fit.
I had an unexpected special “moment” this morning. I have a temporary job playing piano for a weekend mass at a church several miles from my hometown. I started in October and I think they are keeping me through the Easter season. It’s a small congregation and when we extend the “sign of peace” everyone walks around shaking hands with everyone else…walking up and down the aisles and pews. Well, this morning one of the parishioners gave me a big hug and smiled and said “You’re one of us now.” I was so touched and surprised. I didn’t think I mattered. It really made me humbled and reminded me that it’s sometimes the smallest things we do that have the greatest impact on others.
Ciao Amici ❤️