I hesitate to write and I shouldn’t. I’ve started to become more concerned about what people think when I write and that’s hindering me. I have to let that go. Writing is good for me and I can’t write if I am thinking like that. I do best when I feel that I’m the only one reading. That this is my diary. These are my private thoughts and feelings that I have a right to, just as anyone else does. Today is December. And today is gray. Gray encompasses so much. There’s a blanket that covers today…it’s a cold and sad blanket and it’s a reminder of death. Some days will be like that. There aren’t too many that are these days, but today is. So, I will let myself feel today, knowing that it’s best to embrace the pain, but not to dwell in it. There’s a fine line in doing that. I think for myself…that to embrace it, I acknowledge it through my writing. When I have released it in that way, I can then let it go. I can’t believe it’s been almost two years since Mom died. It doesn’t seem that long at all. December 19, 2013. It’s ok. It’s just that today brings me back to that time. I’ll keep busy. Later I’ll practice my piano work and I’ll be fine. But right now…I’m hurting. And I also know that it’s ok to hurt. It’s not unique to me…we all go through our moments. They come and go. Sometimes though, I think that the pain is always still there. Our psyches just don’t let us face it very often. Sometimes I feel like there is a huge hole in my chest and I wonder why it’s there and it scares me…just enough to need reassurance that it’s ok to feel it. I often don’t understand it. But I know too that sometimes it feels like Mom and Maddie just died. That it wasn’t that long ago. And my mother-in-law has been gone eight months now. These are our first holidays without her too. Most of the time, this is all ok…but sometimes you have to let it surface and let death and grief find their way through this labyrinth of emotion they cause. I suppose those things do create a hole in your chest, and when the hole fills it sometimes fills with residual pain and you just feel the sadness. Sometimes it fills with good things that last a long while. Those days are a lot more often. They fill the majority of my time, but I am learning to allow myself to embrace the sad too when it returns. Because I think…at least for myself…you can only embrace it for so long before your heart says…”ok…you can let it go now…it’s ok to let it go.” So you take a deep breath and blow your love into their memories and hold onto them for another day.

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