Five minutes until midnight. December 19th. Two years ago that Mom died. It’s interesting…I thought I’d re-read my blog from last year…the one year anniversary to compare my feelings. They were different. More sad. Tonight as I write I’m angry. I know enough to know that underneath the anger is the tears but I don’t want to feel the tears. Instead I want to scream and throw things. I want to yell and beat the shit out of my pillow. I want to take these damn reading glasses that I loathe off of my face and twist them into a pretzel and then break them into a hundred little shards of shitty pieces. I want to slam doors and throw books through a window. I want to kick the furniture and knock over the Christmas trees and throw the decorations in the street. And then when I’ve spent all of that energy I want to walk far far away and never come back. How’s that for year two anniversary?
Last year I wrote that I couldn’t focus enough to read books yet…that the piano was calming. That hasn’t changed. I read one novel this year. For someone that was an avid reader that really stinks, but I’ve realized that I replaced the reading with piano. I’ve just changed my interests that’s all. But at the same time, the thought of sitting and reading is unsettling so I guess that much hasn’t changed yet.
I’m still forgetful. I’m still extremely unorganized in my thoughts and in my space. I still feel cluttered. I still try to crowd too much into my time. I’ve put on eight pounds since a year ago and I feel physically uncomfortable with that and angry at myself for allowing it. I can’t seem to find motivation and in general, I still feel like my life is out of control. So I’m angry. I’m so very angry right now.
I haven’t been blogging because I’m tired of hearing myself. And so now I’m writing and thinking I must need to make some changes. I don’t need or want anyone’s sympathy or pity. I want to be allowed to feel the way I feel in this moment. And to express it without getting judged because of it. Today has been two years and I still can’t stop missing Mom
and Maddie. And I still feel like I’m sinking sometimes. It’s not even just the deaths. It’s the emptiness that’s in my life now. I’m still trying to figure that out. The not being needed. The loneliness. You have friends and family and you love them to death but nobody really needs you. They love you but they don’t need you. I never really realized how much value I placed on myself in regard to that. I don’t know what that says about me but I’m sure it isn’t healthy. I can only value myself based on my worth to other people? That’s pathetic actually. So I guess that’s where I have to start this year. Each year after Mom died I found an area in my life that I needed to improve on. I want to be able to write next December 19th that I figured out how to be enough for me just with me. That’s a tall order. It’ll be interesting.
And yes…the tears arrived so take that into consideration while reading all of this mess. I’m ok ❤️