Did you ever just feel lost? Kind of like nothing seems to make a whole lot of sense anymore? Like you’ve been beat up…maybe that’s a good way to describe it. I feel like I just want to put a wall up now and just bury myself behind it. I’m tired of death. My mother-in-law died five months ago…her sister died today. We knew she didn’t have long left here. And selfishly…very selfishly – I am tired of death. I can’t deal with any more emotions. I want to turn them off because they are no longer of any use to me. I am defeated. I give up God…you win. You’ve broken me down and crushed my spirit and I am done. I have no more to give to you. I am empty…isn’t that what you want??? To see me broken down to nothingness so that you can “mold” me???? Well go for it…feel free…I have nothing left for you to mold!
I’m trying really hard to tell myself it’s ok to feel this way but I can’t anymore. I could be wrong on my count…Ha! I need a tally sheet or a spread sheet to keep track anymore, but has it been three years? Aunt #1, then #2, #3, #4, #5, uncle #1, ex-husband, Mother, granddaughter, aunt #6, mother-in-law, aunt-in-law…and wow…almost a little breathing space in there somewhere. But I’m ok by god…it just doesn’t matter anymore!! Why don’t I make it easy on you??? I’ll just go away – I’ll leave my friends…I’ll leave my family and you can stop taking everyone away and I’ll just go. You take them all…the young, the old. And you leave us here with our screwed up lives and our pathetic emotions and say here ya go… Make sense out of all of this…AND if you can I’ll reward you with Heaven some day! But you’d better be damn fucking good in the process or you can forget about the pearly gates. Don’t be human and don’t fall…just be good. Be fucking good!!
How dare you tell us you’re here for us…! You want stripped down???? It’s here…right here in black and white for everyone to see…I am DONE!!! I am TIRED of trying…I am tired of fooling myself that anything I am doing even remotely matters to anyone let alone you!!! Ha! ANGER!!?? What number am I in the “grief process” now??? AND — am I ALLOWED to be pissed off??? Am I ALLOWED to be angry and to show it??? Am I ALLOWED to be HUMAN!!!??? Is it ok to screw up??
Okay…deep breath…I’m sorry that I took this out on you God, but you’re supposed to have big shoulders and I need them right now. I have none to lean on anymore. I’ve made a mess of so much in trying to sift through the pain. I’m so sorry…I can’t find my way back to you. I am so lost. God…please just help me…and if my pain and confusion can somehow help someone else then I thank you for allowing me to be a big enough fool to expose myself here. And I apologize to any readers if I’ve offended you. This is part of grief. Don’t judge me. Don’t dare judge me.
So I obviously had a melt-down tonight. Some of you might have read it and felt sorry for me..don’t! Or were/are angry at me…it’s ok… And my best one – you dislike or hate me now – think less of me…because that has been my conditioning…
I’m not going to sugar coat this. I’m going to be very honest to anyone reading this because I think what happened to me tonight was hugely important and a huge step toward healing. Anger at God is ok people. He can handle it. He really can. Do we really think that He doesn’t already know how we feel anyway? This anger has been sitting inside of me for a long time and I didn’t realize just how much until I let it out tonight. I’ve let tears out for hurt and sadness but not really this level of anger. I don’t know how much of that anger is visible to you but it was immense tonight. The anger and the tears and the bitterness. It’s ok to let this anger out…being angry at God is also an act of faith…you can’t be angry at someone or something you don’t believe in. And I have felt nothing but distance from God for months upon months now…I’ve prayed but it’s been hard. And I still hurt…this burst of anger worked no miracles! But, the anger had to come out to allow the love in. It’s going to take me time. I’m still very angry that He allowed Maddie to die. It hurts for all of the others too. I’m so sorry if I hurt anyone with things I said tonight…but this new death today…I feel burdened and overwhelmed. Not just because of her but because of so many in such a small time frame…I’m weary. I just feel very weary. I don’t like this place in life right now for so many reasons. But we all feel that way at times. I should have a warning sign somewhere on my blog…I hide my feelings a lot around most people. Not the happy/sad/angry ones but the internal “this is what makes me who I am” feelings. Maybe we all do…I can only share if I completely trust someone and that’s a rare find. But I’m very honest with the feelings I share here in these posts. So please don’t judge me. I’ve been allowing myself to be very vulnerable to you through my grief these last months. I’m still just me. And being me means I’m not perfect…and being me means I want to be perfect because I always thought I had to be in order to be loved. And being me means I will probably always struggle with that to an extent. Being me means that I am overly sensitive but it also allows me to be honest with you because I love you all so much. I don’t want to lose any of you.