Oh today is hard…one of the hardest in a long long time. The kind of day where you want to crawl up in a corner, tuck yourself into the fetal position and never venture back out. It’s ok because I realize it will pass and I realize it’s pretty much how I felt almost everyday a year ago. I had just gotten accustomed to it back then is all and I’m not now. Maybe that’s why it seems to hurt more.
I found a CD Thursday while cleaning out a cabinet. I didn’t know what was on it so I checked yesterday…put it in the computer and opened the file to find a ton of pictures of my mom that had been shown at her funeral visitation. Wow…I wasn’t expecting that at all. At first it was neat seeing them but after 24 hours it’s settling in and I realize all over again how much I miss her. I have that physical pain in my chest that accompanies loss. At least I know it will go away for awhile again. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I just miss her. I’ve been waiting this last year and a half for life to get “back to normal” but a friend showed me that it won’t. It’ll never be back to what it was. I just have to find my way through what’s left behind.
I’m lucky. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life and I know that and I’m more grateful than I can say. I’ve got direction and I’m blessed for that. I’ve got humor and my life is saved because of that. I have no complaints. But it’s ok to be honest with myself today and admit that I have pain too. Today I hurt. Not because I choose to, but because of what is no longer and never will be again. Realizing that and accepting that and really allowing myself to feel the hurt that comes along with it will help me let go too. Emotions mess with you. They sometimes paint false realities and until you get in touch with what and where they truly stem from, you can do a lot of harmful projection too. It sucks to hurt. We just can’t be afraid to know why we’re hurting. We can’t embrace the pain properly until we know where it’s coming from. That’s when we can release it and say goodbye to it…at least until the next time. But hopefully the next time it comes in with a softer landing.