I wish I had known her…Anne Frank. I can’t help but think she must have been one of the most remarkable persons to have ever lived. I wish I could sit down with her in the adult years that she never had the chance to experience and draw on her wisdom. This quote from her resounds in me. There are times like today that I have so much inside of me again, and I don’t know how to rid it from me other than to write. I’m so thankful to be able to write. I know it’s a gift – it’s not anything I accomplished myself. I don’t know what I’d do without the ability to express myself this way. Honestly, it’s been a life saver. And I always feel better and stronger after I have written my feelings out. A lot of times (and today is one) I have so much inside I want to burst. I don’t even know where it’s all coming from but I’ve found that when I write…it eventually comes out. William Worsdworth was an English poet and he said to “Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.” Wow. Okay. I get that…I really do. I’ve had a lot on my mind today. Nothing I will share but I can share the ‘feelings’ I am left with…the “breathings of the heart”.
I think…everybody reacts differently to hurt. Some people get angry, some people cry. I cry. I cry and then I put up my defenses. I react by sending in the “army” of defense mechanisms. They’re up today as I’m feeling a lot of hurt right now. Yup…pretty well secured and dug solidly into the ground. My defense mechanism is to put up “the wall”…not just any wall but thee wall. You know…the wall that will keep EVERYONE at a distance. I will talk to all of you…but I’m not letting anyone in. Not even close. Why? Because this is safe. If I don’t let anyone in…I can’t be hurt anymore. It’s that simple. I will tell myself I no longer care that much about anyone and that will solve everything right? I don’t know. It doesn’t logically sound like a great plan but I’m human and this is how I react. I know it’s wrong and by writing it out and owning it I’m hoping to diffuse it. But hurt is a very strong emotion and it’s hard to reign in with logic. I wish I didn’t react this way. But I do…so I will try to face it head on and make the best of my emotions and outlook.
Anne Frank dealt with incredible life circumstances and had every reason and right to succumb to despair but she didn’t. I think I certainly can grab my hurt by the horns and turn it around if I try. The hurt has to go away on its own but how I choose to deal with it is within my power and choice. I’m going to choose differently.