Sometimes it’s good to be alone with your thoughts. In about another month it will have been a year ago that I started this blog. 4500 views and 72 countries. I’m happy with that. In the big picture that’s very minuscule but my goal was to work through my losses and hopefully help anyone else that might be in the same situations. I am pleased to have had the traffic.
I think my blog time is coming to an end…the effectiveness of it. It has been a great outlet for me when I’m down but because of some of the responses I get, I feel as though somewhere along the line it became interpreted as wanting sympathy or drawing attention to my pain and that was never the intent. Maybe because of the time frame. People often tend to think that after a few months the pain goes away, and if you’re still talking about it months later, then you’re wallowing and they don’t realize the pain is extremely real. It definitely is less present on a day to day basis but when it hits…it is no less significant than it first was.
In two weeks it will be a year since Maddie was born and that’s hard to believe. I find that it’s getting harder again but I know that’s to be expected.
Having lost my mom, Maddie, and very recently my mother-in-law, what do I notice about myself? I can say it’s been a tumultuous year and a half. The list is extensive…or at least feels that way…I am just starting to get to a place where I feel my focus at work is coming back. I have zero interest in some of the things I loved before such as reading. (I think that’s still a focus issue.) I find it hard still to sit very long without doing something. My concentration is still not back to its former level and I am still forgetful at times. I have little patience for things that irritate me where before I used to be very tolerant. I still very much resent having my Mom’s dog and it’s a huge sore spot with me. I think it was extremely unfair of her to ask on her death bed if I would keep the dog and I think it’s very unfair to be held to that. And the list of changes go on…I am constantly evaluating and re-evaluating my life. I don’t have the desire to continue with situations that are not healthy or useful to me. I’m angry a lot and I’m hurt a lot. I feel the need to deal with issues I buried before. I feel empowered and I feel broken all at the same time.
I don’t know…I’m in flux. I try to be honest when I write but I feel a need to protect myself and my feelings when I’m around most people. Maybe we all do that. I’m ok when I’m busy…when I’m not I fall apart. I use the “f” word when I never used to…and I don’t care. I feel the need to be perfectly good is way over-rated and I still want to get really drunk on champagne. Not drunk enough to get sick but drunk enough to not give a crap. For once in my life.
So yes…my year in review and obviously still in process. I suppose the anger shows through but it’s where I am right now. So judge me not till you walk in my size 6 1/2s and then we’ll talk.