“You’ve drawn so close that it’s hard to see You.
And You speak so softly that it’s hard to hear You.
I guess that’s what I get for inviting you in.
Because You took me at my word, and now I know that faith
is not a fire as much as it’s a glow; a quiet, lovely burning
underneath the snow — and it’s not too much – it’s just enough
to get me home.
Love moves slow – love moves slow.
My faith is not a fire as much as it’s a glow.
A little burning ember in my weary soul. And it’s not too much, it’s just enough
to give me hope. Your love burns slow…Your love burns slow.
So I move slow…because You move slow…”
These words from Audrey Assad’s song “Slow” have really been affecting me these last couple of days. Today I’m just sitting alone with myself and my thoughts and the music. So this makes sense to me. No matter where we are spiritually, we can be broken down. Broken down and shattered. I never ever thought I would be, but here I am. I’m the one that fell apart and I’m the one asking God to come back. And I’ve been waiting and I’ve come up empty. Or so I thought. These words have touched me very deeply. I’ve been expecting faith to come back to me so quickly and strongly but I don’t think it’s going to work like that. You don’t get the wind knocked out of you and stand up and take off running right away. You have to breathe slowly and carefully, and then gradually your lungs fill up again.
I can’t help but think God allowed me to fall, because He’s re-shaping my faith on the way back up in ways I couldn’t have been open to before. Our faith is imperfect. God is so diligent and perseverant when it comes to helping us along when we ask. I’ve been emptied in a lot of ways. I’m lonely a lot. Lonelier than I think I ever have been and it’s very unsettling. I don’t like it and it scares me sometimes. But when I read these lyrics I know God’s here. When I sing these words…I feel God here. I’m not alone. He doesn’t always move quickly because if He did…there would be so very many lessons we wouldn’t learn in the process of the hurt and the loneliness. Maybe faith usually is more of a glow or an ember as Audrey says. It just burns inside of us underneath all of the turmoil and changes in our lives. Maybe it’s when we’re the most down that we end up growing the most. He won’t fail me…I have to remember “He’s so close it’s hard to see and He speaks so softly it’s hard to hear”. But I know eventually He’ll breathe on the embers and they’ll burn bright once again.