One of the hardest things about blogging is the vulnerability. For someone that always worried about what people thought of me I guess I’ve come a long way. I suppose you reach a place in life where that just doesn’t matter anymore, which is good. I think with this type of blog, if you want your writing to be valued, you really have to write as if you were confiding deep dark secrets. I guess by that I mean…if I’m going to cover a topic, I have to be willing to touch on things that are uncomfortable for me. Whether it’s with the musings or the poetry – I’m very exposed. For me the poetry is the most intimate. There are so many more ways to express my feelings. Poetry for me is always personal. When I write a musing like this one I speak directly, but in poetry I can somehow pull those feelings out of myself on a deeper level.
I’ve been in a fairly decent place the last couple of days since my “rant”. I’ve been using the tools again that are useful in working things through. I’ve played a lot of piano, which is very therapeutic, and I’ve gone for long walks to get fresh air and exercise. I feel better in general.
However, one thing that I noticed about myself today is that I have been feeling insecure in a sense this last week. It may sound strange coming from a woman in her fifties, but I miss having parents. I miss that security blanket. Maybe it’s the little child we tend to always have inside somewhere, but there truly is a void. It’s not insurmountable of course. You learn to adjust the same way you do when you’re growing into adulthood – when you realize you “don’t” need them. It’s a reverse sort of thing. There’s a lonely place in your heart when they’re gone and I don’t think it matters what type of relationship you had with them…that relationship would determine the form your loneliness takes on, but it’s lonely all the same.
I’ve had to make a lot of internal changes this past year, some of which I’ve shared in past writings. When you grow up in a family of thirteen, you never really think you’re going to be alone. There was always someone around when I was younger. Then you have your own family and you are busy there. Both of my kids always had lots of friends over. There was always music in the house too, because both played instruments and sang and it was lively and fun. Life evolves though, which is necessary and good, and it finds that your children become adults and start their own lives, and now you have to find yourself again. I’m still processing that part.
I’m almost always lonely inside even when I’m with other people. It’s not my fault or theirs…it’s my constitution. I think this is the part of my personality that allows for the writing and the music. It’s also the part that is in touch with sensitivities in others, so it’s ok. It’s not an easy way to be. In fact, sometimes it’s very difficult, but we all have our “things” we deal with. And I’m okay with it. The recent losses just magnify it considerably so I have to keep on top of the tools. I can do it…this I know. One of my saving graces is my sense of humor. God was gracious and sprinkled me with that before he kicked me out into the world…and that has made all of the difference.
So this is my musing for today. Not a lot to say – just some stray thoughts!