Rough night tonight…they come out of nowhere. I had a fun evening, and now this. Do you ever feel like a fool? Like you’ve been wearing glasses that only show you what you want to see? Do overs….wouldn’t it be nice if life had do overs? It doesn’t though and we’re left with just our messes. I can’t quit crying tonight and I don’t know why. I’m going to look like shit for work tomorrow. I miss my Mom a lot. I miss Madeleine. I miss my used-to-be life a lot right now. I’m tired, I’m lonely and I’m sad. I get scared. I have feelings I don’t know what to do with…where they fit in with “life as it now is”.
I don’t know “me” anymore. Everything and everyone is new. Is this normal after deaths? I’ve changed so many things this past year not even including Mom and Maddie being gone. New job, new activities, new friends, new dog in the house (ugh), new church (building) and even though it’s beautiful – it’s not the old comfort giving one I’ve known for so many years. I just have this huge hole in my heart right now. Hearts can literally ache….did you know that??? And focus! Ha! My friends and family must think I’m a ditz because I can’t remember a lot from one minute to the next some days. Anyway….this is me almost 14 months after my Mom’s death and 8 months after Madeleine’s death. Still a mess. (And sure…throw in the 6 aunts, 1 uncle, ex-husband, and cousin’s husband that have also died in the last couple of years for good measure – I think it’s been enough!)
I’m tired and I’m going to sleep. I’m good. I’m just keeping it real for any fellow grievers…if you feel like I do, just know you aren’t alone. We will get through this. My cry and vent helped. I feel sort of decent (although I will still look like shit in the morning…I’ll have to grab an early Diet Pepsi to wake up with…)
I’m going to listen to an old Elton John song while I fall asleep…it’s uplifting and it’s apropos…Remember this one?

Sad Songs Say so Much...

Guess there are times when we all need to share a little pain
And ironing out the rough spots
Is the hardest part when memories remain
And it’s times like these when we all need to hear the radio
`Cause from the lips of some old singer
We can share the troubles we already know
Turn them on, turn them on
Turn on those sad songs
When all hope is gone
Why don’t you tune in and turn them on
They reach into your room
Just feel their gentle touch
When all hope is gone
Sad songs say so much
If someone else is suffering enough to write it down
When every single word makes sense
Then it’s easier to have those songs around
The kick inside is in the line that finally gets to you
and it feels so good to hurt so bad
And suffer just enough to sing the blues
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say so much

Ciao Amici!!