There’s a beautiful song that was written by Audrey Assad entitled “Help My Unbelief” and was released on her album “Fortunate Fall” in 2013.  If you get a chance look it up on YouTube and have a listen.  It’s a very moving song. Audrey has a unique ability to say with words and music what is sometimes so raw in our hearts.  I never thought I would go through what I have spiritually this past year. I was always so grounded in my faith, and I never thought it would be shaken. I’ve spent a lot of months sort of beating myself up over that until I came across this song a while back and it made me realize that my faith is still intact…it’s just a bit bruised right now.
A bruise is defined as tiny blood vessels damaged or broken as a result of a trauma.  This past year was definitely traumatic, and what Audrey’s song has helped me realize is that my faith isn’t gone and it’s not shaken…it’s merely bruised. Affected by trauma.
I’m beginning to think that maybe what I’m going through isn’t so awfully unusual and I have to believe that God is still holding on to me and guiding me even though I don’t feel it so much. I’m somewhat afraid to let Him in because I’m afraid of what He will ask of me. I’ve always thought I was brave… “whatever you want God…I’m open and willing because I know it’s going to help me along my journey…”  But, I’m bruised and a bit broken spiritually, and those words are hard to form right now. I believe though, that God understands fully and He’s being very gentle and patient with me. He hasn’t left me…and I haven’t left Him. I’m just regrouping my soul a bit right now.
We could never have imagined we would lose Madeleine.  I know it isn’t God’s doing or His will that she had Trisomy 18.  I truly believe it just happened and we will never know why. We are all just left with the emotional aftermath, and God is taking each of us down our own personal journey with Him. This first verse of Audrey’s song is the one that really hit me:

“The fullness of the Godhead knit with our humanity
flesh and bones sewn in the heart of God inseparably
I know, I know, and I believe You are the Lord
I know, I know, and I believe You are the Lord
Help my unbelief”

God intertwined with our humanness – in His FULLNESS. All of Him. Never to be taken apart or away. He’s in my heart regardless of what I feel or don’t feel and He will never leave me. We are inseparable… “flesh and bones sewn in the heart of God – inseparably.” Because of this I know He’ll never leave me…and I’ll never leave Him.
“I know! I know! and I believe!! Please help my unbelief…” Can’t we so intimately understand that? I do know…I do! Even when I doubt – I really do know!! He’s in my heart regardless of what I feel or don’t feel and He will never leave me. Love…faith…isn’t always a feeling. It’s just not. So God, help me deal with the feeling of “unbelief” when it comes – take it from me when you’re ready and help me learn from it until then. I know I believe.

Ciao Amici!!

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