I’ve often wondered what it would be like to not be so introspective. I can’t imagine. If you want to get into my head (which I’m not sure you would)…it’s actually pretty complex at times. I am sensitive to a fault. There has to be a huge correlation between that and the introspection. When I have feelings that I don’t understand…the “why” of them drives me crazy…I have to know why. It would be much easier to just accept them at face value…if I need to know the “why” it will certainly surface at some point in time…but it’s very hard for me to do that. I can’t “fix” my feelings if I don’t know why they exist. I am uncomfortable with sadness. I suppose most of us are. I have never thought of myself as brave in the least but I think writing in this blog is pretty brave. I expose a lot of myself through the musings and the poetry, and I guess that takes a lot of courage to do. It helps me work through so much but at the same time, it can leave me pretty naked emotionally. I’m going to give you a glimpse of the sensitivity that formed me…this is embarrassing and you will either laugh or think I’m insane…I’m hoping for the humor aspect to kick in for most of you but who knows? I am so ridiculously sensitive that when I was a kid growing up and had to set the dinner table…I would feel bad for whichever piece of silverware had to be placed on the table last. I worried it would feel left out or not as important as the other utensils. Ha! Now…as an adult I can look back at that and be reasonably sure that I was projecting my own feelings onto that last fork or spoon. I felt very alone as a child and as children we are not intellectually or emotionally developed enough to address those types of feelings and deal with them. As you can imagine…setting the dinner table was a huge source of angst for me. 😉 I’m not very different than most people. I’ve been through more pain than some…not as much as others. I have to fight against the sensitive side though and that is where my writings have helped. I am in need of that help again. I have a tendency to want to shut down when I feel too much and I am feeling too much now. It comes and goes but tonight is gray and cold. This past year I’ve run from my feelings a lot. I had to…it literally was survival. The last few days I’ve been trying to sit with my feelings more and be more honest with myself about them. I am so very uncomfortable with that and to be very honest…there’s an absolute ton of hurt inside yet. I don’t say that for sympathy…I’m okay – I really am. I’m starting to face a lot of things about myself that I haven’t been, and trying to find the answers for moving forward and it’s so hard. Harder than I ever thought it would be, because I’m allowing the pain to exist and speak to me while at the same time – trying to not allow it to consume me. I’m trusting that if I let the pain breathe, then it will eventually evaporate. I don’t know what my life looks like going forward. I do know that I don’t want to hurt anymore…nobody does, but my introspective self wants to figure out how to avoid the hurt while my sensitive side just feels more pain in that process. A huge part of me wants to just “stop, drop and roll”…like you do when you’re on fire. I want to drop to the ground and curl up in a ball and hold myself so tightly that nobody can get in. If I don’t let anyone in anymore, there will be no pain. The losses will then come on my terms while I’m already hurting and not come through life throwing you curve balls. But I also know that is not living life…it’s hiding from life and it’s cowardly. I’ve let a lot of new people into my life the last few months…and each one is so important to me. I can’t imagine losing any of them. And maybe more appropriately…they’ve allowed me into theirs.
I will find a way to come to terms with the pain. I’m going to trust in the fact that if you look hard enough, each day holds enough good in it to make another one worthwhile.