A lot of times I feel like I’m just repeating myself over and over in this blog. I wish I had a crystal ball to see the future so I would know when the grieving actually ends. I was doing sooo well up until a couple of days ago. Then it hits all over again and I am left feeling like there’s something really wrong with me. I wish everyone would leave a log of their feelings after losing someone…then I wouldn’t have to wonder. I know that part of the reason I started this blog was to help myself and other people too. I just don’t know if it does. Sometimes I think I’m just leaving my heart hanging out here looking pathetic and not really doing anything for anyone else. I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want to know I’m okay and this is all normal.
I struggle with focusing at home. It’s like I don’t want to be here. Anywhere but here. Is that a subconscious issue because Mom died in this house? I want to just scream and make everything go away and I can’t. I feel so overwhelmed. Small tasks seem so big sometimes. Does anyone else go through this? I have sooo many questions but I don’t know who to ask. I feel like there’s such an out of control spiral going on in my life sometimes. Other times I’m good. But I think that the times I feel out of control are the times I feel the most hurt. I don’t let myself feel Mom a lot. And that’s where my hurt is stemming from tonight. I miss her so very much. I miss her with all my heart and I don’t know how that will ever heal. If I could just have her back! I know we all do this, but I think of how many times I could have or should have…and it kills me to know I won’t be able to. But I will say…if you are going through this and can let yourself cry… Please do. It’s so cleansing. I just finished up a few sobs and feel much better so I think I’ll be able to sleep now. I’ll look like a freak in the morning with puffy eyes but…it won’t be the first time or the last!
I saw a hawk in the tree this morning and it reminded me of Mom. It was a red-tailed. She drew one for me a couple of years ago. Thank you Mom…

Ciao Amici…

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