One of my biggest fears has always been the concern of changing into someone I wouldn’t like…that I don’t want to be. There’s no way around life’s circumstances and those are the very things that provide for the segue into who we become. I see a part of myself I don’t remember seeing at other points in my life when I’ve had “traumas”. Something was recently pointed out to me and I hadn’t really realized it was happening -but I see it now. I’m closing up.
Before I always felt like I wanted to connect with people and I don’t now. I feel like I’m in the process of putting up a shell around myself and I don’t know how to not allow it to become a hardened exterior.
I share things on this blog but maybe there are always pieces of yourself that you can’t share no matter who you are. I just don’t want to hurt anymore. Avoidance is a real deterrent it seems. Avoid situations and people that will stir up the hurt. Close yourself off to those you’re close to…there are sooo many ways to avoid hurt…at least you think there are but it’s always there somewhere. Bottling it up doesn’t help you to heal. At the same time you can’t wear it on your sleeve constantly so what do you do?
I think that my “shell” is being formed more by anger right now than hurt. Angers I can’t address here, but they exist nonetheless. Compounded with everything else another aunt died yesterday morning. Large families are great but when six aunts, one uncle, one mother, one cousin, one ex-husband and one grandbaby die within two and a half years it’s a lot to process for anyone. Five of those deaths were in the last year. So yeah…I’m a bit angry right now and the only way I know how to deal with it is to close myself back up. It’s too hard anymore to feel. And that’s sooo selfish to say because my daughter and son-in-law lost their baby and they are moving forward and that hurt is sooo much larger than mine…but it’s how I’m made and I can’t deal with anymore right now. And somehow in the midst of all of this you’re supposed to deal with yourself and anything outside of “grieving” that you may be working through. I’m just tired. I’m so very tired.