It’s midnight…12:04 to be exact. One year ago today Mom died. So what have I learned this past year? I learned that a year is like a blink of an eye. I learned that no matter how old you are, you still miss your mom. And I learned that I am very skilled at typing and crying at the same time.
I started this blog I believe this past June. It was supposed to be a means of helping me get through my mom and Madeleine’s deaths. I thought too that maybe it might be useful to someone else that might be going through the same thing. I don’t know. It wouldn’t have made sense to me to not write something today of all days. I just don’t know what to write. I guess I’ll just start with how I’m feeling. Empty. Really really empty. And really really sad. I feel hollow inside right now but I can’t quit crying either. And sometimes I just feel foolish for having even started to write this blog. I don’t usually think about who’s reading it anymore. I worried about it when I first started to blog but now when I write it just feels like I’m journaling so it doesn’t feel like I’m writing to anybody really. But tonight I wonder if there was any real benefit to it. If more than not, do I sound like someone who is just feeling sorry for herself? I don’t mean to…but maybe that’s how it comes out…and if so…then rightfully I am embarrassed.
Last night I woke up from my sleep sobbing. I didn’t know why I was crying and fortunately I fell right back to sleep. But when I woke up this morning it was the first thing I thought in my mind…the reason I was crying. I had dreamed that my mom was in hospital and I was in a separate room talking to my moms doctor. I think it’s significant in the dream that the doctor was female, because none of the physicians my Mom had in the hospital while she was there were female and in my dream I remember taking note of that. But anyway…the doctor was explaining moms diagnosis to me and going into intricate detail about the disease process. She also wanted to stress to me that it was not hereditary. I just stood there listening to the doctor but what was going through my head was how I should have gotten Mom to a doctor months earlier. How I had failed her. That’s when I woke up crying.
I don’t have the energy tonight to go into all of the detail regarding that, but just know that she had symptoms that appeared to be like seasonal allergies. I was going to set up an appointment for her with an allergist but I kept forgetting and suffice it to say she should have gone months earlier. So yes…I am carrying around a lot of guilt yet and I will for awhile I suppose. It’s not something I’m conscious of day to day but obviously it is still there. Someday logic will meet heart.
I still have trouble focusing for very long unless I’m playing the piano. It calms me and takes me outside of things I guess. I am an avid reader but since Mom died I can’t focus long enough to read. A month or so ago I did manage to read one novel so that was a start. I don’t feel nearly as bad as I did a few months ago. When I look back on it I can see now that I was really pretty emotional and irrational for quite awhile after Mom and Madeleine died. I guess sometimes you don’t really see that while you’re in the midst of it, but I’m thankful for the immense support I have.
All along I’ve been telling myself that things will be better after the one year mark. We will have gone through all of the holidays, her birthday, special occasions like that. But tonight I realize that the pain doesn’t have a timeline and tomorrow will be no different than last week or last month. Grief is a gradual thing you work through and it can only be done as quickly as your own unique psyche will allow. I’m starting to think that in some ways you’re more dull to the pain the first year. I guess we’ll find out.
I feel better now…that’s what the writing does for me. My head feels clearer and the tears are gone. My heart still aches but I accept that. For tonight.