Today is going to be a difficult day. I can feel it. I’m already trying to fight back tears. I feel like my head wants to explode but I don’t have a headache. It’s tension from holding back the immense sobs that want to come out. A year. Next week will be a year ago that Mom died. I set this little marker in my brain a long time ago that this will all be okay after the first year has gone by. But unless some kind of a miracle takes place really soon I don’t see that happening.
I wish I could go away somewhere by myself and just hibernate. Someplace where it doesn’t matter if my eyes are red and puffy because nobody is going to see them anyway. I have to say that crying in real life is not even remotely as glamorous as Demi Moore, Sally Field, or Alfre Woodard make it appear. These gals can cry like no others and still look amazing. I cry and I look more like I came out on the wrong side of Rocky Balboa’s glove. And it doesn’t help that you can’t just cry whenever you feel like it…you have to have the opportunity to cry…yes…the opportunity!! I hold back so many tears because I have to go to work, or I have to go to church, etc. The human body and soul weren’t created this way. When you are happy you smile, you laugh…it’s a natural physiological response. When you hurt or are sad…sometimes tears are in order. But grief is not an emotion of convenience. So…we hold the tears in and we hold the sobs in until we reach today – where your body wants to just burst…but you still hold them in.
I know pretty much how today will go. I’m getting quite experienced at it. I will get through the work day. Then I will get through the dinner tonight that I am going to for my father-in-law’s birthday. It will be a long day of holding back and tension. You get very good at pretending to be okay. You even fool yourself sometimes. But, eventually the realities sink in. Mom’s gone. Madeleine’s gone. There will be no Christmas with them this year. The live wreath I bought my Mom every year to put on her door doesn’t need to happen. The email reminders from the company I ordered from are reminders. There are a lot of reminders. Every day there is mail for her in my mail box. Her dog lives with me. And the pain lives with me. I have to just accept it. I’m working on it. I think overall I do okay with it anymore. I look at what a mess I was a few months ago between Mom and Madeleine’s deaths and I can really see that I’m better. It’s just the sadness can be overwhelming when it decides to pay a visit. We all know holidays are notorious for emphasizing the loss of someone we love, but we plug along. I really am doing okay…I’m doing good.
I’m getting better at looking at the blessings in my life. I look forward to and enjoy a lot of things anymore. I’m working at finding a foothold for myself. Contrary to last night’s post…I really don’t want to get drunk. I am who I am. Do I still need to lighten up? Yes, I do. Maybe I can get to a place where I’m not afraid to have a drink. Maybe I can’t. I would love to but I guess it doesn’t really matter. When you’ve lived with an alcoholic (my ex-husband – and I don’t blame him…life dealt him some pretty crappy cards) you view even casual drinking very differently. I never look at anyone else’s drinking and make judgment calls or even really think about the fact that they’re drinking. I only think about it for myself. I wish I could sit down with a mimosa or two and not worry that I’m going to turn into a lush. THAT part of me needs to go away. It’s not the drink itself. It’s what it represents to me…the worry…the expectations I put on myself to always be in control of life. It’s the inability to accept myself making mistakes.
I’m going to get better at this though. I have to. I refuse not to. I want to welcome “Angie” to herself so that she truly believes what other people see in her. I want to be able to say “Hey…you are a really neat person. You are caring and generous, loving and kind.” But I also want to add to that…”You are fun! You have really learned to let go of the cares and enjoy life. You’ve learned you are no longer responsible for everyone else and everything around you and guess what…you make mistakes and are human…and are still loved in spite of that…isn’t that a wonderful feeling?”
Yes…I think it’s time to enjoy Angie…I think she could be pretty amazing!