Losing someone takes a moment…healing from the loss takes a lifetime. I have to say, I don’t have any pearls of wisdom here tonight. Yesterday was the first Thanksgiving without Mom and Sunday was my first birthday without her. I had just a couple of fleeting moments but they were just that…fleeting. The days were very good overall. Today’s a little harder though so I suppose I’m on a “delayed reaction” mode. Christmas decorations were put up today and I kept busy with that…but I’m sure the holiday time is weighing on me a bit.
I think more than anything, right now I’m just still struggling with myself. I saw a quote today from C. Joybell C. …
“We can’t be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don’t have something better.”
Wow. This is packed. It really speaks to me on a lot of levels and further fuels the inner struggles I have. Since Mom died I’ve gone through a lot of changes on a personal level and I know more changes are on the horizon. I realized after she died that there were things in my life I was unhappy with. Her death was a bit of a catalyst for me to make some of the changes that I thought I needed to make, but they haven’t come easy – at all. I am the person who is uncomfortable with change, but this past year I have had more changes than I could ever have expected. My secure little pond had a tsunami come roaring through it. And while I’m trying to wade out of my pond into that ocean out there…I’m left wondering if I’ve just screwed everything up.
I find myself second guessing the choices I made. On one hand I feel happier and more complete but on the other hand I wonder – would the losses I’ve been through with Mom and Madeleine be easier for me right now if I would have left things as they used to be so that at least something in my life was unchanged…familiar? I am hurting so much right now and I know I’m just trying to make sense of it.
Tonight, the bitter side of grief is speaking. The side that, even though it’s irrational, still needs to be exposed and purged. The side that says life hasn’t been fair. The side that very rationally says I want Madeleine back…that a four day old baby shouldn’t die. Then the irrational side again that says I should have just curled up in a ball and let the grief bury me instead of trying to dig out from it. If I had nothing in my life to lose anymore would I be better off? I’m angry. I’m very angry. I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing anymore. I write this blog…for what? A journal would serve the same purpose for me and I could swear in that…does anyone even care what a grief journey is about? There are a lot more uplifting blogs out there than this. Voice lessons, piano…who am I kidding? These are the things that now fill me with so much happiness but they are things I should have done years ago…am I being foolish pursuing?…my time is past. And today…I opened my bag with Maddie’s blanket in it…and for the first time…I couldn’t smell her and it’s so sad… I miss her so much. It’s starting to hit so much harder. I don’t know how your system decides who to grieve for when. I just know it’s not something you can control.
I know this anger will pass and I’ll reaffirm to myself that life is still good. But for now the anger is here and I have to sit with it. Make nice with it. Pretend it’s welcome because I know it’s healthy. I don’t do well with anger. I never have. It feels very self defeating and purposeless. It needs to move along.