Okay…so I am having a moment. A moment that I want to share with you before it flits away, because it’s important. I am feeling so very, very grateful right now for so many things, but mostly for the wonderful people that God has put into my life. I can’t begin to express how much I love and appreciate them. When I have glimpses of this “euphoria”, I feel so much love my heart wants to burst open. It doesn’t come by often…and a lot less often this past year, but it’s here now and so while it’s here I want to share it. Along with amazingly awesome and wonderful things in life, there are also sometimes bad, hurtful and sad experiences. But…that is the human condition and there is nothing that any of us can do about it. We try to keep going forward as best we can…it’s the whole peaks and valleys analogy. But the beauty that I have found and want to share is that God places people in our lives to show that He is still with us no matter what and no matter where we are in our walk with Him. No matter how strong that walk is – or as I have experienced these past months – weak. I wish so much that I could show to those I love, even a miniscule portion of how much they mean to me. I have honestly been blessed with the best family I could ever ask for, and as if that wasn’t enough…God has graced me with friends that I can’t even begin to understand how I have deserved…and I think that’s the key. I don’t “deserve” them, but God is using them to better me, to make me a better person than I would be without them, and in the process I get to enjoy them so much. I am blessed beyond what I ever dreamed possible.
Yesterday, was a hard day again. I was soooo sad. Really, really sad. When I miss my Mom now, it’s with a lot of sadness and it’s a different feeling than what I had these past few months. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, other than the tears come from a different place. A place with a lot of pain, but a calm pain. I can be sitting at my desk at work and all of a sudden the tears start flowing. Not sobs, just tears. But I realize that it’s okay. I loved my Mom, I loved Madeleine, and I miss them both. Madeleine is in my heart always. I carry her there like a piece of myself. It wasn’t for me that it was done, but still I can’t thank my daughter enough for having the courage to carry Madeleine, and my son-in-law for supporting that decision. I say courage because, knowing fully that Madeleine wouldn’t live, the pain that would come with having that knowledge during the pregnancy and after Madeleine was no longer here with us, is beyond what I can fathom.
Now that it’s the holiday season, and also a year ago that we were dealing with our mom’s illness, it’s getting harder again for myself and my siblings…and that’s okay too. We’ll get through this. No matter what your age, it’s hard to lose a parent. Shortly after Mom died, one of my brothers said to me, “It sucks being an orphan.”. Yes…it does. You always have that child inside that needs a parent to love you. I am sure though, that Mom and Dad are still with us, watching over us from a better place.
Yesterday would have been Dad’s birthday. He would have wanted pie for dessert. He really didn’t care for cake. He would have wanted apple pie or possibly cherry. Maybe I’ll bake one in his honor this weekend. 48 years was too young Dad. For as long as I can remember, you always refused to say good-bye. Instead it was “See you later”…I understand now.