We keep moving…one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. It’s okay. It really is.
This weekend has been very difficult for me. I knew the holidays would be hard but I didn’t think they would be this painful. We spent the weekend decorating the house for Christmas. It has brought up all of the hurt and anger inside from losing Mom and Madeleine. A part of me wants to tell myself to shake it off and quit being so pathetic. But the real part of me understands and is okay with where I am. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s love.
About two hours ago I had to just stop decorating. I was on sensory overload. Maxed out. Last year Mom was with me when I was doing this. I couldn’t handle it anymore. Every part of my body felt agitated and I wanted to explode. So…what did I do. I came out to the cemetery. Yes…tonight I became that creepy person that comes out to the cemetery at night. I brought my tissues and sat by my parents’ graves and just cried and cried until I couldn’t find another tear. I will say it was very cleansing at the very least. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but tonight I can think a lot more clearly than I did last night. Last night I was questioning a lot of my decisions. Tonight I feel confident in them. I don’t think Mom or Madeleine would want me to quit living life to the best of my ability simply because I’m struggling. It’s human to struggle…but why struggle in everything if you don’t have to? I have made AMAZING new friends this last year. I love the fact that I am doing things for myself after so many years of status quo. I am discovering that being selfish can be a good thing too. Buying my new piano was the most selfish thing I’ve done…but I don’t regret it for a second. And the piano and voice are what are filling me now. It doesn’t matter that it’s just for me…I’m worth it.
It’s hard to have pain and joy coexist with each other. They do alright most of the time, but there comes a point where they are both battling to be on top and you have to let them fight it out. That’s when the tears come. That’s when the irrational thoughts come. But…joy always wins eventually. Your pain…it’s just a reminder that you love very deeply. You’ll continue to love very deeply, because that is who you are. And that is something to celebrate. If I ever decide to not embrace change and to let grief get the upper hand…or to quit learning and bettering myself…that is the day I truly die because I would cease to really be living.
To those of you struggling right now…know that it will get better. We all travel different roads and have our own unique experiences, but we are all human and the human spirit wants to soar. Try to see this part of your journey as a preparation for what lies ahead … All of the beauty that life is holding for you – you will be able to experience in a way you never would have before. Out of our ruins comes great hope.
All my love…