We keep moving…one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. It’s okay. It really is.
This weekend has been very difficult for me. I knew the holidays would be hard but I didn’t think they would be this painful. We spent the weekend decorating the house for Christmas. It has brought up all of the hurt and anger inside from losing Mom and Madeleine. A part of me wants to tell myself to shake it off and quit being so pathetic. But the real part of me understands and is okay with where I am. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s love.
About two hours ago I had to just stop decorating. I was on sensory overload. Maxed out. Last year Mom was with me when I was doing this. I couldn’t handle it anymore. Every part of my body felt agitated and I wanted to explode. So…what did I do. I came out to the cemetery. Yes…tonight I became that creepy person that comes out to the cemetery at night. I brought my tissues and sat by my parents’ graves and just cried and cried until I couldn’t find another tear. I will say it was very cleansing at the very least. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but tonight I can think a lot more clearly than I did last night. Last night I was questioning a lot of my decisions. Tonight I feel confident in them. I don’t think Mom or Madeleine would want me to quit living life to the best of my ability simply because I’m struggling. It’s human to struggle…but why struggle in everything if you don’t have to? I have made AMAZING new friends this last year. I love the fact that I am doing things for myself after so many years of status quo. I am discovering that being selfish can be a good thing too. Buying my new piano was the most selfish thing I’ve done…but I don’t regret it for a second. And the piano and voice are what are filling me now. It doesn’t matter that it’s just for me…I’m worth it.
It’s hard to have pain and joy coexist with each other. They do alright most of the time, but there comes a point where they are both battling to be on top and you have to let them fight it out. That’s when the tears come. That’s when the irrational thoughts come. But…joy always wins eventually.  Your pain…it’s just a reminder that you love very deeply.  You’ll continue to love very deeply, because that is who you are.  And that is something to celebrate.  If I ever decide to not embrace change and to let grief get the upper hand…or to quit learning and bettering myself…that is the day I truly die because I would cease to really be living.
To those of you struggling right now…know that it will get better. We all travel different roads and have our own unique experiences, but we are all human and the human spirit wants to soar. Try to see this part of your journey as a preparation for what lies ahead … All of the beauty that life is holding for you – you will be able to experience in a way you never would have before. Out of our ruins comes great hope.

All my love…

Ciao Amici!

Losing someone takes a moment…healing from the loss takes a lifetime. I have to say, I don’t have any pearls of wisdom here tonight. Yesterday was the first Thanksgiving without Mom and Sunday was my first birthday without her. I had just a couple of fleeting moments but they were just that…fleeting. The days were very good overall. Today’s a little harder though so I suppose I’m on a “delayed reaction” mode. Christmas decorations were put up today and I kept busy with that…but I’m sure the holiday time is weighing on me a bit.
I think more than anything, right now I’m just still struggling with myself. I saw a quote today from C. Joybell C. …

“We can’t be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don’t have something better.”

Wow. This is packed. It really speaks to me on a lot of levels and further fuels the inner struggles I have. Since Mom died I’ve gone through a lot of changes on a personal level and I know more changes are on the horizon. I realized after she died that there were things in my life I was unhappy with. Her death was a bit of a catalyst for me to make some of the changes that I thought I needed to make, but they haven’t come easy – at all. I am the person who is uncomfortable with change, but this past year I have had more changes than I could ever have expected. My secure little pond had a tsunami come roaring through it. And while I’m trying to wade out of my pond into that ocean out there…I’m left wondering if I’ve just screwed everything up.
I find myself second guessing the choices I made. On one hand I feel happier and more complete but on the other hand I wonder – would the losses I’ve been through with Mom and Madeleine be easier for me right now if I would have left things as they used to be so that at least something in my life was unchanged…familiar?  I am hurting so much right now and I know I’m just trying to make sense of it.
Tonight, the bitter side of grief is speaking. The side that, even though it’s irrational, still needs to be exposed and purged. The side that says life hasn’t been fair. The side that very rationally says I want Madeleine back…that a four day old baby shouldn’t die. Then the irrational side again that says I should have just curled up in a ball and let the grief bury me instead of trying to dig out from it. If I had nothing in my life to lose anymore would I be better off? I’m angry. I’m very angry. I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing anymore. I write this blog…for what? A journal would serve the same purpose for me and I could swear in that…does anyone even care what a grief journey is about? There are a lot more uplifting blogs out there than this. Voice lessons, piano…who am I kidding? These are the things that now fill me with so much happiness but they are things I should have done years ago…am I being foolish pursuing?…my time is past. And today…I opened my bag with Maddie’s blanket in it…and for the first time…I couldn’t smell her and it’s so sad… I miss her so much. It’s starting to hit so much harder.  I don’t know how your system decides who to grieve for when.  I just know it’s not something you can control.
I know this anger will pass and I’ll reaffirm to myself that life is still good. But for now the anger is here and I have to sit with it. Make nice with it. Pretend it’s welcome because I know it’s healthy.  I don’t do well with anger. I never have. It feels very self defeating and purposeless. It needs to move along.

Okay…so I am having a moment. A moment that I want to share with you before it flits away, because it’s important. I am feeling so very, very grateful right now for so many things, but mostly for the wonderful people that God has put into my life. I can’t begin to express how much I love and appreciate them. When I have glimpses of this “euphoria”, I feel so much love my heart wants to burst open. It doesn’t come by often…and a lot less often this past year, but it’s here now and so while it’s here I want to share it. Along with amazingly awesome and wonderful things in life, there are also sometimes bad, hurtful and sad experiences. But…that is the human condition and there is nothing that any of us can do about it. We try to keep going forward as best we can…it’s the whole peaks and valleys analogy. But the beauty that I have found and want to share is that God places people in our lives to show that He is still with us no matter what and no matter where we are in our walk with Him. No matter how strong that walk is – or as I have experienced these past months – weak. I wish so much that I could show to those I love, even a miniscule portion of how much they mean to me. I have honestly been blessed with the best family I could ever ask for, and as if that wasn’t enough…God has graced me with friends that I can’t even begin to understand how I have deserved…and I think that’s the key. I don’t “deserve” them, but God is using them to better me, to make me a better person than I would be without them, and in the process I get to enjoy them so much. I am blessed beyond what I ever dreamed possible.
Yesterday, was a hard day again. I was soooo sad. Really, really sad. When I miss my Mom now, it’s with a lot of sadness and it’s a different feeling than what I had these past few months. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, other than the tears come from a different place. A place with a lot of pain, but a calm pain. I can be sitting at my desk at work and all of a sudden the tears start flowing. Not sobs, just tears. But I realize that it’s okay. I loved my Mom, I loved Madeleine, and I miss them both. Madeleine is in my heart always. I carry her there like a piece of myself. It wasn’t for me that it was done, but still I can’t thank my daughter enough for having the courage to carry Madeleine, and my son-in-law for supporting that decision. I say courage because, knowing fully that Madeleine wouldn’t live, the pain that would come with having that knowledge during the pregnancy and after Madeleine was no longer here with us, is beyond what I can fathom.
Now that it’s the holiday season, and also a year ago that we were dealing with our mom’s illness, it’s getting harder again for myself and my siblings…and that’s okay too. We’ll get through this. No matter what your age, it’s hard to lose a parent. Shortly after Mom died, one of my brothers said to me, “It sucks being an orphan.”. Yes…it does. You always have that child inside that needs a parent to love you. I am sure though, that Mom and Dad are still with us, watching over us from a better place.
Yesterday would have been Dad’s birthday. He would have wanted pie for dessert. He really didn’t care for cake. He would have wanted apple pie or possibly cherry. Maybe I’ll bake one in his honor this weekend. 48 years was too young Dad. For as long as I can remember, you always refused to say good-bye. Instead it was “See you later”…I understand now.

Ciao Amici!!