So I’m out here at the cemetery tonight. I ended up alone tonight and I ended up here. Hard right now. When I got off of work today I had to pick up a birthday cake for a co-worker. The particular bakery I ordered it from is only three or four miles from the townhouse my mom was living in. I felt such a strong urge to drive there so I did. I haven’t been out there since shortly after she got sick last October. Almost a year ago. I knew as I was driving tonight it was going to be hard but I had to do it. It actually was harder than I even imagined. I couldn’t stay very long. I just kept crying. Whoever is living there now would probably not appreciate me in the road outside of their home.
It’s so surreal…the enormity hits all over again. I have been doing very well lately…in fact the other night I told myself I was probably past the crying…oh foolish one! I know better. When I saw her house it just felt like she should be there. If I went to the door and knocked….she would answer. So many, many, missed opportunities to spend time with her. Why don’t we realize these things when people are alive? I think about how lonely I know she was…it breaks my heart.
I’ve been wondering how I’ll do this fall. My siblings too. It was October 6th when Mom was admitted to the hospital. The following week we learned she was dying. God I wish she was still here! It seems so wrong and so unfair! I miss her so so much! She always told us she was going to live to be a hundred years old…we all believed it. She loved the fall. She always got excited for the weather – loved checking the Farmers’ Almanac to see what the winter forecast was. The snowier the better. It didn’t take a lot to make my mom happy. Simplicity. It’s a gift.
There are things I haven’t been able to do since Mom died. It doesn’t make sense and I feel awkward admitting it, but three things….grocery shopping, cooking and reading are just now starting…starting!….to come onto my radar screen. We have eaten out a lot this last year. I don’t have an explanation for the groceries and cooking unless it’s because I’m not overly fond of them to begin with, or if it’s just harder to focus in general, which is what I think it is. I have a terrible time trying to quiet my inner self when I am home. I know too, that with Mom having stayed with us for two months before she died, there are a lot of memories in the house that I haven’t reconciled myself with yet. So the idea of stopping myself and focusing on a task at home has been hard. Grocery shopping takes focus I don’t have. Reading takes focus I don’t have. I’m thankful that what I am able to focus on are things that help me process the grief.
My poor family probably thinks I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. I haven’t done much calling or visiting. They know I’m okay though. I’ll get to a better spot soon. I know it’s getting closer because my good days are pretty damn good now. I even cooked a meal yesterday. I’ve gone to the grocery store a handful of times for a couple of quick things. Eventually.
I don’t mean to be depressing to listen to tonight. Just a lot going through my mind. I was thinking the other day about how I was with my dad, my mom, and Madeleine when they died. As hard as those times were I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I know I need to talk about the actual deaths…not here, but with the counselor. It’s important. I guess I’m done writing tonight. No clever closing, no words of wisdom, nothing profound. I just miss all of them so much…tomorrow’s a new day right?