I was going to write another poem, but decided against it. Tonight is just what it is. I feel lost. Utterly empty and lost. So many changes have taken place and I feel so absolutely alone. Self assessment. It’s very difficult if you do an honest job of it. Life is like a big shiny new vehicle that you are sitting in the driver’s seat of. It’s beautiful, and you’re taking it out for a ride, and everything is going nicely, but all of a sudden it starts acting up and you realize you don’t have an owner’s manual. If you’re lucky you can call for help, but sometimes you’re just outside of service locations and you just have to do the best you can on your own. I think that’s where I am now.
Change isn’t usually easy. I’ve had a lot these last few months, some by choice and some obviously not. But, my new path seems to be getting unsettled and I don’t know if it’s the path or if it’s me. I wish I had the manual. That’s the thing after you lose someone. Nothing seems settled or normal or right. You just plod along and hope no winds knock you down.
I don’t feel like I’m on solid ground right now. Maybe I made too many changes or I made the wrong changes. Maybe I have to make more changes. I don’t know. I just really wish I had that manual.