When I originally started this blog, one of the purposes was to help me work through the deaths of my mom and my granddaughter. Another closely related one, was the hope that if I’m honest and frank about my journey, it may help others going through similar situations.
I have to say that my most difficult emotions have been expressed in my poetry. It’s a most effective release for me and fairly quick, plus I don’t have to be as obvious about what I’m talking about like I would have to be in direct writing. However, I was thinking about that tonight and I think that’s not quite fair. I will continue to write and post my poetry, but I need to take some time again to talk about the journey. That’s the only way to reach out to someone else so that they know they aren’t alone, so I’m going to try to do some old-fashioned soul bearing.
It has been about 7 1/2 months since Mom died and two months since Maddie died. I feel like day to day I am doing much better….but…I have many moments yet. I have to remind myself how fresh everything is yet…how recent both deaths are. I think it’s our human nature to want to be “okay” again…to be back to life as usual. I was speaking with a friend today, or rather crying to her…”I want my old life back…the way it was before they died.” She understood. She also reminded me it won’t be like that again.
I can see progress, but I also know it will take much more time yet to feel more settled within myself. One thing I have definitely noticed is that I am much more sensitive lately. I take comments personally that weren’t intended that way, and I read into things that I shouldn’t. I’m not sure why that is, other than emotions are so very raw yet that it doesn’t take a lot to set them in high gear. I was really excited tonight that I was able to talk myself down from that very situation earlier this evening. It’s very hard. Especially when you are an extremely sensitive person to begin with. I know I won’t be successful every time, but it’s a start and I’m happy with that.
My counselor has to remind me sometimes, just what a trauma all of this has been. I’m glad she does because it helps me to put my life into some perspective right now. I have a few moments where I feel what I would describe as despair. Deep despair. They don’t last long. That’s usually when you see the poetry come out. More and more though, I’m starting to have glimpses of happy. I have times I can really enjoy people and life, and that’s a huge blessing. I’m also starting to have moments that I can talk to God again…really asking for His help.
Right after Maddie died I went through a phase when I had an excessive fear of losing more people in my life. Not through death but through my own actions. I was afraid that because I was so emotional I would drive my friends away. Thankfully they truly are friends and they haven’t gone anywhere. I still struggle with the fear of loss though. I suppose I will for awhile yet, but it’s also a testament to how much my friends mean to me.