Tonight is hard to write…I feel like I’m at the bottom so I’m reaching out for a life jacket. I wanted to be honest with this blog no matter what. If I am not honest what is the use? If I am brutally honest, no matter how hard it may be, then that is the only thing that will help me and anyone else going through this.
I started out having a good day. Work went well…fairly uneventful. I’m not sure where it unraveled. I started taking violin lessons three or four weeks ago. A wonderful cellist I met has become a good friend. She is giving me lessons along with two other friends (one taking violin and one cello). So we have been meeting together Friday evenings for a group session and having a blast. Afterward we go out for dinner. Tonight was so much fun during lessons…I absolutely enjoyed it. When we were at dinner though…something changed. I don’t quite understand it. I felt the sadness take over my eyes like a blanket had just been thrown over them. The sense of loss is so strong tonight I feel like I’m buried in it. It was all I could do to put a smile on my face and pretend nothing was wrong. Nobody would understand. I don’t even understand.
There’s just so much inside of me right now. I’m going to describe it…I have to get it out. I don’t want anyone to worry about me…I just want you to pray for me. I don’t think I feel worse or different than others have at times…I just write about it and that makes it more visible than someone who doesn’t. It’s all the same pain. I’ll be okay. Tonight is just rough.
I feel like I have lost so much…I literally sobbed the whole drive home. I know this will pass but for now it is here. The only thing I feel tonight is hurt…there isn’t room for anything else. Hurt in every aspect of my life. I feel like Vincent…(but I can’t paint). I feel pain in one shape or another in every relationship I have. Whether it be a feeling of not belonging…of missing someone…of being unimportant…a feeling of being misunderstood…or a feeling of being unloved. I’m just really really lonely right now. It’s all there in a nutshell. Intellectually I know that makes no sense, but pain isn’t intellectual or sensible. It’s only perceivable. Even ‘ciao amici’ hurts tonight…