I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written. The poetry has been an easier expressive outlet for me lately. I’m not sure exactly why. Maybe because I can use short phrases or words that color in my feelings better than if I were writing out detailed sentences. Sometimes simple words express what I feel in a more exact way if that makes any sense.
I’ve been doing so much better the last couple of weeks or so. I have many more good days than bad days, but today has been a sad day. It started last night actually. I came home from work and was just in a funk. I couldn’t shake it. I was just sad. There’s really no other word…just sad. I am missing both my mom and little Madeleine so much right now. I’m glad that the bad days are further apart but when they hit, they still hit hard. I woke up at 5:00 this morning with a full on panic attack…I haven’t had one in years and they are not fun I can assure you, but…they pass.
I can’t believe it’s been seven months since Mom died. I still have so many moments when I remember to tell her something or ask her something, just to quickly realize she’s no longer here. I’ve been seeing a grief counselor and she gave me an “assignment”. I still have several small boxes of my Mom’s belongings in a closet from when she was staying here with me before she died. I haven’t been able to bring myself to even look at them let alone go through them to give the items away. They are just things she used during the couple of months she lived here. I just can’t bear going through the boxes. She has a little bit of clothing, medicines, books she was reading, drawings she was working on…personal things that were the only things she kept when she found out she was dying. My “assignment” is to go through one box by my next appointment in two weeks. I need to just take a box and go through it and be done, but I just can’t believe how hard that little task is. It’s hard because all of the emotions come welling back up. When I look at her clothes or her medicine or her drawings…the reality…the very tangible loss is present. If I don’t look at these things I can tuck the hurt away for a little longer.
We had to do a “change of address” with the post office when she moved in. I still get mail for her every single day albeit junk mail. Then there’s the $21.89 bill she gets every month from a pharmaceutical company. I don’t know what my hang up is with this one. I paid a couple of other larger bills of my mom’s after she died, because she was always so responsible with her finances so I did it for her because she would have been pleased that they were paid. But this one just grates at me. I had called them a few months ago and informed them Mom was dead and there was no estate. They said thank you for letting us know and we’ll take care of the charge. They still keep sending the bill. I called again a couple of days ago and they said they just needed a copy of her death certificate. Now…I could easily enough get a copy from my brother and send it to them, but… I won’t. For twenty bucks I don’t have the desire nor the energies to pursue it. I told them to take her to court. Mom would have gotten a kick out of that. There are always reminders. It’s not really a bad thing I guess…it’s just always there. We all miss her so much.
I think of Maddie a lot too…such a beautiful little baby girl. We were so lucky to have her for four days and I know that, but I just miss her so much. I miss holding her, breathing in her scent and kissing her tiny face. Such a sweet soft face… She weighed next to nothing…two and a half pounds of sheer blessing doesn’t even register when you hold her…she felt as light as air. Sometimes I don’t feel the luckiness of the time we had with her…I just feel the pain of not having her now. We have some video of her cooing and looking around…I’m so glad. It almost feels like she’s here again. She was born almost two months ago. The most precious gift I have ever witnessed.
Sometimes I stop and think about these past few months. I almost laugh out loud and say “What in the hell just happened!!!” How could I have known a few months ago that right now I would be sitting here having lost my mom and a granddaughter! My head wants to spin!!
But you know what? Life goes on. Definitely in a new form and definitely with changes in all of us, but it does go on. You get help when you need it and you lean on each other along with good friends. I’m still not at a point where I’m able to talk to God very easily. I try…but it’s sooo hard. So if you think of it…say a prayer for me in that regard if you would. Thank you.