Today needs to be more light-hearted…my post that is. I have to confess…(imagine that!) I woke up this morning and was so anxious and upset about yesterday’s post…(“Please Don’t Throw the Plate”), I actually felt sick to my stomach! How did I let myself write something so personal? I didn’t really do that did I? Dear God! What an idiot! I didn’t go into detail, but still, I started to address “the past”! What will people think? Who goes around exposing their vulnerabilities like that? Nobody cares – you’re just making yourself look pathetic!
What to do????? There was only one solution to this dilemma and that was to immediately delete this blog site (did I forget to tell you I’m a bit impulsive?). So…I ran to my iPad hoping to take care of the matter at hand before I left for church and before most of the weekend world woke up and got on their computers. I proceeded to look for what I had casually noticed a couple of days ago…a delete blog button!! After a couple of minutes I found it…thank you dear God!!! Okay…click! No!!!!! Blog can’t be deleted because of silly upgrade or something that I had purchased when I first set up the site!!!….arggghh!!! (Again…did I mention I am a bit impulsive?) Now what do I do?? Okay…don’t panic…(too late!) There has to be something I can do…delete the post? No…the whole blog site has to come down…I’m getting way too personal and stirring up old junk inside of me…for what? I’m torturing myself and looking ridiculous at the same time! Okay! Here’s my answer! Mark the site as private! Nobody can view it without my approval…! That’s good enough for me!! So I clicked on that button…what a sense of relief! I cannot tell you how much better I felt!
It was such a relief to know that I was done. It’s been sooo hard in a lot of ways to put things out there right now. And for what? Because I get it out of my system? I could get the Walmart spiral notebook for that… I left for church feeling much better.
Interestingly enough though, when I got there… a friend came to me and asked how she could follow my blog. I felt badly telling her that I pulled the plug…it was too soon I told her. She understood. She’s wonderful like that. I came home though and discovered a message from another friend, and another friend, and then I received a private message from another friend. This message was filled with her own personal struggles…so many people were responding that I realized that it really is the time. I’m really not alone. We all have our burdens.
Maybe the time is best when our emotions are on the surface. When we can’t talk about those we lost without welling up inside. When we are enjoying companionship with friends but all of a sudden from nowhere your heart breaks open again. These are the times I think that we can be most honest with ourselves and with others. I’m not promising that I won’t change my mind again…I know that since I started writing a lot more of the rawness has surfaced and so like anything…we’re one day at a time. I am not a brave person…being an open book one on one is so different and much easier. This scares the hell out of me and I’m still not quite sure why I’m doing it, but as long as we seem to be in this together…who knows?