Before the Sun Sets

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I have so much life to live yet. There’s so much I want to accomplish. After Mom and Maddie died, there was a long time in which I just couldn’t picture the road in front of me. I always used to have goals in my mind that I wanted to work toward when I could make the time. When you lose people in your life it takes so much of the wind out of your sail. You feel like you’re on a row boat in the middle of an angry ocean, with waves all around you and the dark waters tossing you around like a weightless doll. You just hold on and pray that you stay afloat.
I no longer want to just float and I think that’s a good sign that I’m healing. I want to swim…I want to swim against any current that may be trying to slow me down. I don’t want to wait until I can “make the time”. Life will never happen that way…it will just pass by.
I’m still not there yet – where I want to be emotionally. I still have days that are hard, but not too many and they are not nearly as hard.
About a week and a half ago we had to have my mom’s dog euthanized. It was time. She was old and tired and her health was starting to fail. Those who know me well know that I had no emotional attachments to this dog. I didn’t want her at all, but when my mom was sick she “bequeathed” the dog to me and so for the last two plus years we’ve had a third small dog in the house. I know it may sound cruel but I was actually relieved that it was time for her to go. But now with her gone, some wounds have been re-opened and I find myself missing my mom even more. Such is the way grief works. It’s a process. Loss is a process. You never know when grief will rear its head up and strike. You could have several weeks of feeling pretty much back to “normal” and it will strike out from nowhere and you’ll wonder what is wrong with you…why you cry a lot again, why you can’t sleep, why you feel no energy…
You’ll be okay…more than okay. Ride these waves through. Be patient with yourself and be gentle to yourself. And then when the pain subsides again and your energy returns – swim against the currents because that’s where you’ll find your joy and your contentment. That’s what I plan to do. I have way too much life ahead and joy to find before the sun sets for me.

Ciao Amici!! ❤️

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Desperado


So…what do you do at midnight when you’re having your first melt-down in months and nobody is awake to talk through it with you? Well…after trying to wake all of your friends up to no avail (because they are normal people with normal sleep habits – or else ducked when they saw you coming…😉) you have a huge cry which you haven’t done in months either and then you realize your only option is to write it out … which again…you haven’t done in months. So you go to your blog and dust it off, realizing full well that you haven’t had any “visitors” to it since you haven’t posted regularly in probably over a year, and that you’re basically going to be talking to yourself. But hey…you do what you have to do.

Then something happens.

You see that you did indeed have a visitor to your blog recently. March 12th. A wonderful soul in China read a post at some point that day…and you realize you’re not really alone after all. God’s world is not so big that He can’t find someone for everyone when they are really in need. So beautiful person in China…you are my friend tonight and maybe – just maybe, you’re reading tonight and if you are…I thank you for being here. ❤️ You’re thousands of miles away yet you’ve made me feel less alone.

It’s hard to be brutally honest in this blog because what’s in the moment isn’t necessarily going to exist tomorrow and the last thing I want is sympathy or anyone to worry about me. What I write about is simply the human condition. You know, after we lose someone we love we don’t have a choice in life but to move forward. Backward isn’t an option. We still stumble and fall backward at times though. Tonight is my stumble. Actually the last several weeks have been gearing in that direction. I’m lonely. Terribly terribly lonely. It’s not a lonely that anyone can make better or fix. It’s something that I have to live with until it passes again. And it will. It has before. It’s all part of recovering from loss. It’s the lonely that comes from the giant hole you still have in your heart. Yes, the scar tissue has been slowly growing around the hole over the last four years and so the edges aren’t as tender anymore, but the hole is still a hole. It can’t be anything but a hole. It’s this big void in a place on my heart that use to be occupied by someone I love. In this case my mom. Even though after four years the pain itself is usually not present very often, I feel like I miss her more now than ever. I don’t know why. I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer. I just know that I do and tonight it really hurts and tonight I’m really alone. I came home and played the piano for quite awhile and it helped release some of those emotions. Afterward came the meltdown. It’s ok though to cry and let the feelings out…let them go.

I was angry at God before I started writing. So very angry because I feel sometimes like He has forgotten about me and that hurts, but then I remembered that Jesus felt that way once too. “Eli! Eli! lama sabachthani?” “My God! My God! Why have You forsaken Me?” But God hadn’t forgotten about Jesus…I have to believe that somewhere in that huge heaven He hasn’t forgotten about me either. ❤️

Ciao amici

It just is…


Always on the outside looking in
Torn apart into fragments of nothingness
Empty but too full
dead but still breathing
Leaves rustle in the wind
and confirm the depths of
raw emotion that screams
because nobody sees the magnitude of what is
Nobody sees and therefore
nobody can care
You feel it alone and you live it alone…
Always on the outside looking in.