Before the Sun Sets

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I have so much life to live yet. There’s so much I want to accomplish. After Mom and Maddie died, there was a long time in which I just couldn’t picture the road in front of me. I always used to have goals in my mind that I wanted to work toward when I could make the time. When you lose people in your life it takes so much of the wind out of your sail. You feel like you’re on a row boat in the middle of an angry ocean, with waves all around you and the dark waters tossing you around like a weightless doll. You just hold on and pray that you stay afloat.
I no longer want to just float and I think that’s a good sign that I’m healing. I want to swim…I want to swim against any current that may be trying to slow me down. I don’t want to wait until I can “make the time”. Life will never happen that way…it will just pass by.
I’m still not there yet – where I want to be emotionally. I still have days that are hard, but not too many and they are not nearly as hard.
About a week and a half ago we had to have my mom’s dog euthanized. It was time. She was old and tired and her health was starting to fail. Those who know me well know that I had no emotional attachments to this dog. I didn’t want her at all, but when my mom was sick she “bequeathed” the dog to me and so for the last two plus years we’ve had a third small dog in the house. I know it may sound cruel but I was actually relieved that it was time for her to go. But now with her gone, some wounds have been re-opened and I find myself missing my mom even more. Such is the way grief works. It’s a process. Loss is a process. You never know when grief will rear its head up and strike. You could have several weeks of feeling pretty much back to “normal” and it will strike out from nowhere and you’ll wonder what is wrong with you…why you cry a lot again, why you can’t sleep, why you feel no energy…
You’ll be okay…more than okay. Ride these waves through. Be patient with yourself and be gentle to yourself. And then when the pain subsides again and your energy returns – swim against the currents because that’s where you’ll find your joy and your contentment. That’s what I plan to do. I have way too much life ahead and joy to find before the sun sets for me.

Ciao Amici!! ❤️

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Overwhelmed


An eerie mist floats in the night
holding the fears and carrying them
forward in time. Refusing to release.
Quiet senses that the stillness surrounding
screams inside. Waiting.
Free falling into the darkness.
Grasping for a hold that eludes
while the wound opens and bleeds.

Time in a Bottle


“If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day
‘Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you”

These lyrics are from the Jim Croce song “Time in a Bottle”. The song’s been playing through my mind tonight. I’m sure other people have this same “phenomenon” happen to them – often a song will start going through my mind that I haven’t heard or listened to in years, and when it gets to my consciousness I realize that the lyrics in the song that my subconscious conjured up, are a direct hit on what I’m feeling on an emotional level. I’d understand if they were current songs I had been listening to recently, but they’re years and sometimes decades old.
I see how this song is speaking to me tonight. I had a wonderful day with good friends and fun, and I’m ok tonight – I really am, but a sadness has crept in. I know it’s momentary. I know that soon it will have passed.
It’s a week of anniversaries. Maddie’s birth and death earlier this week and my Dad’s death today.
I’m not bothered by the sadness tonight though. I think it’s a bit of a gift. It makes me pause and spend time with my thoughts and feelings. I couldn’t have expressed any better than this song does, what I’m feeling tonight. Thoughts of Maddie, or Mom and Dad’s deaths aren’t making me sad today I don’t think. What these anniversaries ARE doing though is making me realize how much I love the people in my life and don’t want to lose them. That’s where tonight’s sadness is coming from. Because I’ve been through it so many times, I know there’s no guarantees in life. The old die and the young die. I wish I could stop time and I wish I could find a way to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me before I can’t anymore, but that’s not how things work. Each loss that’s mourned can serve to remind me of the good in my life. That’s how I’m choosing today. If only I really could save time in a bottle.

Ciao amici ❤️

Across time


In secret whispers I hear you,
from a time and place that we
cannot return to.
Your life unsung – yet so full
of strength and courage
that most will never see.
A season of learning
what love truly means.
A short time of joy
wrapped in the unknown,
filled with a naive hope
that betrayed the truth.
Questions with no answers.
Fear with no calm.
Motions with no movement.
Pain with no salve, yet numbed.
You breathe across time and I feel you.