Before the Sun Sets


I have so much life to live yet. There’s so much I want to accomplish. After Mom and Maddie died, there was a long time in which I just couldn’t picture the road in front of me. I always used to have goals in my mind that I wanted to work toward when I could make the time. When you lose people in your life it takes so much of the wind out of your sail. You feel like you’re on a row boat in the middle of an angry ocean, with waves all around you and the dark waters tossing you around like a weightless doll. You just hold on and pray that you stay afloat.
I no longer want to just float and I think that’s a good sign that I’m healing. I want to swim…I want to swim against any current that may be trying to slow me down. I don’t want to wait until I can “make the time”. Life will never happen that way…it will just pass by.
I’m still not there yet – where I want to be emotionally. I still have days that are hard, but not too many and they are not nearly as hard.
About a week and a half ago we had to have my mom’s dog euthanized. It was time. She was old and tired and her health was starting to fail. Those who know me well know that I had no emotional attachments to this dog. I didn’t want her at all, but when my mom was sick she “bequeathed” the dog to me and so for the last two plus years we’ve had a third small dog in the house. I know it may sound cruel but I was actually relieved that it was time for her to go. But now with her gone, some wounds have been re-opened and I find myself missing my mom even more. Such is the way grief works. It’s a process. Loss is a process. You never know when grief will rear its head up and strike. You could have several weeks of feeling pretty much back to “normal” and it will strike out from nowhere and you’ll wonder what is wrong with you…why you cry a lot again, why you can’t sleep, why you feel no energy…
You’ll be okay…more than okay. Ride these waves through. Be patient with yourself and be gentle to yourself. And then when the pain subsides again and your energy returns – swim against the currents because that’s where you’ll find your joy and your contentment. That’s what I plan to do. I have way too much life ahead and joy to find before the sun sets for me.

Ciao Amici!! ❤️

shelter for a season

Change. Not my strong point. Aaaagh!!!! I’m not ready. My inside is screaming and my outside has to remain calm. I’m losing right now. It’s like I can feel a dark murky swamp closing in on me. I’ve not felt this much pain in so long. Life moves on for people right? Isn’t that what we do on this earth? Constant motion. Lives change and they have to. We just have to accept and try to move forward even when it’s so hard. It’s not being left behind…it’s just the forward motion in others that has to be given its wings. Wings long worked for and deserved. We can’t try to hold the wings down or clip them…we have to bless the flight that they take and be thankful for the respite and comfort they once found in us that allowed them to remain for awhile. We swallow our own selfishness and give. I give my blessing and my eternal gratefulness for the time I was allowed to be a shelter to those wings…and for the shelter I took so often. As life moves forward we find our place among the footprints that surround us and see which we can and cannot follow…and it’s as it should be. Love, however, remains eternal.

Show me…

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build.
A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”

Heavenly Father…what season are you bringing me through and what season are you bringing me to?